1 Jan 2011
If there is one thing all my friends, relatives, colleagues and acquaintances know about me, it is that I fast every friday. Rain or shine, even when I am traveling, I fast without fail. Yet, I am not a religious person in the way my mother or my mother-in-law are. Lighting the lamp and offering prayers on a daily basis are not my strongest forte.
I started the fast on March 5th, 2004. At this age and stage, I have already started to classify all events, except for the girls’ birthday, by month and year, because the brain is becoming throughly incapable of remembering dates. Last year, I forgot R’s birthday and my birthday because I have already blurred over the date and have filed it in my head as ‘sometime in Oct’ and ‘sometime in Nov’. But I remember March 5th, 2004! Is it because one always remembers the days their life changed for ever?
The funny thing about days that change your life is that, many a times they are so irrelevant and hardly seem monumental when it is actually happening. In fact some time in middle of April 2004, I had to look up the calendar and think back to narrow the date to March 5th. Even then it did not seem so big. Over an extended period of time, one grows, develops associations and the before you know it something irrelevant has already been coined as ‘life changing’.
On March 5th, 2004, the friday I started the fast, to me, all was lost. The only request I had for the higher power I was calling out to was to help me find happiness. In some way, may be the time was right or may be because I stopped fighting or may be all I had was faith, it worked and I did find happiness.
The quest to bear a child was over. But I held on to the fast determined that I will stop fasting after I have a second one. Three years and two children later, I was still fasting and told myself that I will finish the fast when the children turn five…. or may be fifty five…. That is when the warning came from an unexpected source.
My amma, though we have different perspectives on many things, asked me, ‘What are you trying to do? Holding God on a bind? Is it a retainer of some sort? What are you demanding her to do? Fasts must have an ending, that way you stayed focused.When something goes on for indefinite period of time, it gets diluted and loses meaning’. That is when I realized how painful the Friday fasts have become for me. I was irritable, always craving for food, demanded special attention from R – because I was doing this sacrifice for his children, I wanted him to put me on a pedestal at least every Friday. Plus many get togethers, pot lucks at work, fancy lunches at work, corporate evenings out A.L.L happen on Fridays and obviously I haven’t been a part of it. As my amma pointed out there were days I accidentally did something that was not be a part of the fast. Those days I was not just miserable, I was in terror. I imagined that it was a sign that something was to go wrong with my children. Fear without any basis is probably the worst torture that the mind can come up with. I decided to reevaluate my fast.
I felt what had started as a quest for hope had changed direction so much that it was back firing. This was around the time Tharini recommended Eat, Pray, Love to me. Certain experiences Gilbert wrote about deeply resonated with me.
What did I do by fasting?
I was asking, like Elizabeth Gilbert would say, the universe for something.
Did I get it?
Yes.
When I started the fast, did I truly believe that the only thing that would bring me true happiness is to become a mother?
Yes.
So essentially I was asking for something and I got it. In fact I got more than what I asked for and I got it at the right time. I have a good thing going. May be I must celebrate that instead of being terrified by the future. After a lot of thought, I decided I must continue fasting every Friday, but not as a preventive mechanism, but as a celebration.
Today, as I tell any one who enquires, I fast because it is my thanks giving. As life goes on, there are new demands, expectations and disappointments. In this process I can possibly get thankless and greedy. Every Friday brings me back to reality, it grounds me to the very basic of my being, teaches me to be truly thankful, never to lose hope – no matter how tough things seem to be and to focus on what is truly important.
21 Responses for "F Is For Fasting On Fridays"
Back here after long time and read a touchign post.I can so relate to it because i have a older cousin who is still on hopes and fasting and waiting for a baby.
But still why are you holding on to it?
On a lighter note,are you expecting few more kids?
UTBT SAYS: AA, it is my way of saying thanks, that is why I am holding on to it.
The fast is a reaffirmation of faith – in yourself and in what you believe in !!
UTBT SAYS: Yes. True.
I like how you’ve said it’s a way of bringing you back to reality. As long as you have it right in your own heart…keep doing it. I like the way you switched the focus behind the fast! It definitely makes for immense willpower and mental strength.
UTBT SAYS: Thanks Starry.
Hello! came here thru’ Laksh’s blog.
I love the spirit behind your fasting. One day to focus on the big picture and not bogged down by the minutia. Good luck and happy new year!
UTBT SAYS: Suman, thanks for leaving a comment. Happy new year to you and your family too.
WOW … such a profound post.
I have seen so many people fast (some with reasons … some totally religious reasons) … it requires tremendous strength to switch reasons. Hats off to you ….
UTBT SAYS: Thanks CA and happy new year.
This was a great post, how often we take things for granted!
Happy new year to you and your family!
UTBT SAYS: Thanks SK. Happy new year.
Another one of your trademark heartwarming posts. Another one that I must bookmark to remind me to be thankful for the good things that I do have in an otherwise crazy life.
UTBT SAYS: Thanks Sandhya. Happy new year to you.
This is BEAUTIFUL succinct yet so profound
One day a week for ” Thanksgiving”… Is such a beautiful concept. When life’s pressures constantly turn our attention to what we need to do and what we lack, this is a step back to a bigger picture.
Wishing you a happy and prosperous 2011
UTBT SAYS: I was meaning to send you the link. I am glad you looked it up. Happy new year to you.
This post is so moving UTBT. Brings back memories of my Mother who used to fast (only fruits and payathaparuppu kanji) every Tuesdays because I was thought to have a blood(clotting) disorder, when I was around 10. Thankfully things turned out to be all right and she stopped after a few years time. The concept of Thanksgiving every Friday by observing a fast is beautiful. I have never, ever attempted fasts just for the reasons you mentioned in your post. Hats off to you for continuing…. Wishing you and your family a very happy and prosperous 2011.
UTBT SAYS: Thanks and a happy new year to you MNIamma.
this is personally a post at the right time of my life…. i will come back and record my true comments on this post when time permits… all I can say now is thanks so much for this post…
UTBT SAYS: You are welcome and happy new year.
That’s wonderful UTBT! First off, hats off that you can adopt a discipline and then stick to it, rain or shine. Secondly, it takes courage and extreme presence of mind, never mind that it came much later, to re-evaluate the validity of something. It is very meaningful that you now fast to offer thanks. In denial, is gratitude. It’s perfect. It made full and complete sense to me.
One practical thing I would suggest to you is…to try doing a salt water flush in the morning, to empty the bowels more thoroughly. It might make it easier on you while fasting.
UTBT SAYS: Salt water flush – eh?! I have some Qs. Will ping you later.
Thanks for your time T
As I read through your post I kept wondering if you’d finally give up fasting. The answer was at the end of course and the reasons you give are commendable.
A day set aside to reflect on the important things of life – truly inspiring!
UTBT SAYS: Ok I have to say that lost sleep trying to figure out Samlovescakes. Now I know, looks like my guess is right. Thanks for stopping by.
Wonderful post.
UTBT SAYS: Thanks for your comment Smitha.
Happy New Year Utbt!
Beautiful post and just shows how strong you are -physically and mentally. All the very best. And no matter how many times I read that other post you’ve linked, it still brings tears. Big hug 🙂
And oh.. March 5 is C’s b’day!
UTBT SAYS: Thanks Reva. Goodness, she is going to turn two already?
Utbt, enjoyed reading the post..was very touching. I liked your thought process and it is true that if the reasons are convincing to the heart, every act becomes so beautiful and meaningful.
UTBT SAYS: Thanks Ranjani.
We often forget to be grateful for what we have – as you rightly said. Wowing at your reason to continue the fasts.
UTBT SAYS: Life goes on Choxie…we as human beings always want something or other so badly and in that we forget to be thankful….sigh.
I can relate to it at so many levels. I applaud you for redefining your reason for fasting and make it relevant. It takes a lot of discipline to hold on to something like this for this long – kudos to you!
UTBT SAYS: Thanks.
That was very beautifully put UTBT. Today is one such day and I will be grateful for whatever has been given to me.
UTBT SAYS: Thanks for visiting me Sandeepa. Happy new year to you and your family.
Hi UTBT
Wish you all a happy new year!
I just read this post and the older link post. Glad you have two wonderful children and all is well while I read the other post. Sorry for what you went through though – it must have been very scary for both of you.
I have fasted – I think I did take some liquid in the morning – for I think 12 weeks – every Tuesday – just for no reason. I found it hard the first week but later got used to it.
Really nice that you are able to do it every Friday. Fridays are esp hard because it is a relaxed time of the week and you feel like eating more on such days.
UTBT SAYS: Thanks Noonie. Happy new year to you and your family.
Hi UTBT,
UTBT SAYS: Hello Sonal. Did your comment get cut off?
wow.
UTBT SAYS: 🙂
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