Under The Banyan Tree » Humor For The Day

Candid Conversations With Meija

utbt — Wed, 02 May 2012 03:11:27 +0000

Hermit crab
I was telling her how hermit crabs do not have a shell of their own, but pick an empty shell to live in.
Meija: Where does the hermit crab come from?
Me: From an egg.
Meija: Where does the egg come from?
Me: From another hermit crab.
Meija: Amma, (with hand action) I understand that this hermit crab came from that egg, that egg came from thaaatt hermit crab and so on. But that very first hermit crab in the world, where did that come from? Which was first the crab or the egg?
Me: Theriyaleye-ma.

Meta Physics
Morning rush. The situation was getting explosive between Chula and I. She is sitting in front of her breakfast plate and I have given her the 20th ultimatum, but nothing is working.
Me: Chula, if I were you, I would take this more seriously and at least ask for help. I don’t know what you are planning to do.
Meija: Amma, if you were her, you would do the same thing that she is doing. She is doing this because these are the things Chula does. That is what makes her, her. So if you are her, you will do her things and not your things.
Me: ::Fainting::

Mommy school
I am giving the child a bath.
Meija: Amma, you are putting soap so softly.
Me: Yes.
Meija: Yesterday when you put tiger balm for my back and chest, you put it so fast-fast-ly.
Me: Yes.
Meija: How do you know that soap has to be put softly and slowly and tiger balm fast fast?
Me: (Mockingly) Um, they teach all this in mommy school.
Meija: Mommy school? Can I go?
Me: Nope. One must have finished college, then go to another college, get a job, get married and only then they take you in to mommy school.
Meija: Do they teach you to make jokes like you do in mommy school?
Me: Yes.
Meija: Do they teach how to laugh like you do in mommy school?
Me: Yes.
Meija: Do they teach how to give hugs and love like you do in mommy school?
Me: Yes.
Meija: Hmmm, looks like you knew nothing before you went to mommy school.

Me: ??!!

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S Is For Saangs

utbt — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 05:32:43 +0000

Sheela-ki-javaani is out and over.

Chamak Challo is taking our house by storm. Yes, we are late and we are like that only. No TV and no computer, we are usually stuck in a different time warp. The children hear about songs from their friends. By the time they register a song, memorize it and start asking for it, the rest of the world would have ridden that wave and would have moved on. But we peak!

Now I can measure every place I drive them to, by Chamak Challo scale. Airport, one way, almost 6 Chamak Challo’s. Grocery store – 3. The auditorium where the children had their annual day function – 3. Copying place close by – 1 etc.

Enthused(and irritated) by the number of times the husband heard the song, the eager beaver he is and with his ever wanting need to get to the bottom of things and understand the meaning, he, of all people, asked the maid the meaning of Chamak Challo. The maid started blushing. I, who was dusting close by, froze. And gave him the look that means, ‘this maid is a keeper, don’t ask her meaning to Hindi movie songs, which usually contains lots of read between the lines material and make her stop coming to work’. The husband, as usual, blissfully unaware of all looks and meanings and implications, moved on with his simple existence.

Another song that the children are singing non-stop is Kolaveri and holds the record for entering the house while it is still in vogue. They dance for Chamak Challo, Mieja has two moves – a standard march past kind of move for male voice and a hip shake with hands crossing for the female voice. But their response to Kolaveri gives me the creeps. They lounge, please note, not sitting but lounging, on the couch and sing dreamily, ‘Hand-le glass-u, glass-le sctotch-u’. Suddenly they tell me ominously, ‘Amma your future is dark-u dark-u’. For which I reply is full childish demeanor, ‘Noooo, my future is not dark. It is bright. I am going places!’

Last but not the least ‘Dhinka Chika’. I don’t even know when it came, so can;t say if we entered this wave soon/late/at peak. But I can tell you that I have heard it so many times that it has filled my head, over flowing from my brain and finding its way out through my vocabulary. Yesterday I told the younger child, ‘Yes, I will tell no if it is not appropriate. Don’t expect me to do Dinhka Chika to all your whims and fancies.’ She missed the point and wanted me to play Dhinka Chika.

Ta folks, have a good weekend!

UPDATED TO ADD

Hilarious!!!

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOrttB6vAMc

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Strike It Rich

utbt — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 09:13:32 +0000

Mieja lurves diamonds. Now, according to her, diamond is anything that is smooth, shiny and the size of a lemon. At this point of time I would like to clarify that I am not feeding her with unrealistic expectations. Many a pebbles were picked up from the park, washed, spat on and shined till hands ached and disappointment levels soared. But the child being the tireless kind, decided to change the process. As a result of which multiple diamond experiments were carried on at home.

I nodded approvingly and decided to keep a photographic record of the experiments, because (a)once her heart is set, no matter I reason, she will refuse to listen and (b)if at all by blind luck she did manage to make a diamond?! I mean, the child was talking about rocks the size of lemons. It surely wouldn’t hurt to have a few, wouldn’t it?!

So here it goes, the process, pictures and the product.

Experiment 1

Ingredients: Leaves from your garden, a bucket, water, scissors, plenty of sunlight.

Process: Watch out for the time sunlight falls on your kitchen faucet. Now open the faucet and check if the water sparkles in sunlight. Only sparkling water results in sparkling diamonds. Now fill half your bucket with sparkling water. Cut the leaves in to strips about an inch thick. Fashion these leaves in to little cups. Pour about half a teaspoon of sparkling water in to each leaf cup. Place the leaf cups in to the bucket. Leave the bucket in direct sunlight for a week. Check for readiness and leave them for an additional week if required.

Product:

Experiment 2

was formulated after said child’s mother complained to every one under the Sun about the stink emanating from the bucket and scientists needing to clean up their own mess(“Marie Curie’s mother did not run behind her with a mop and scrubber” my exact words). The goal of this experiment was to (a)keep the initial experiment to small scale and if successful scale up as required (b)compress the process to a couple of days, so that said diamonds are ready before the leaves start decaying (c)avoid contamination from air borne pollutants.

Ingredients: One tbsp of chopped onions, leaves from your garden, one tbsp sparkling water, fridge in working condition.

Process: Clean a big broad leaf. Mix chopped onions with sparkling water. Fashion the mixture in to a diamond shape. Place the mixture on the leaf and place the whole thing in the fridge. You can place it in the freezer, will cut down the process time in to 1/3, the trade off being the three footer’s dependency on her parents(read mother) to check the diamond formation every millisecond.

Product: This time the mother raised hell that the fridge stinks of onions and the child gave up after a week.

Experiment 3

Ingredients: Grape seeds, white acrylic paint.

Process: First eat the grapes, one needs the strength from the grapes to convince one’s mother about yet another diamond experiment, then collect the seeds. Wash the seeds in sparkling water. Pat dry. Paint every seed with white acrylic paint. Place in cup. Place the cup in fridge.

Product:

Amma had nothing to complain about. No decay, no stink. This experiment stayed for the longest in the fridge and was discarded after the unsuspecting spouse, looking for a late night snack, consumed about half of it.

Experiement 4

Ingredients: Glass, preferably in a sphere shape. One tbsp sparkling water. Hard surface. Pointy, sharp tools.

Process: Take the glass sphere and drill a small hole. Pour the tbsp water through this hole. Place right side up and place in the fridge to set. When set, tap the water filled sphere on a hard surface to chip the sides to make a shiny diamond.

Product: Promptly nipped in the bud by Amma. So no pictures or products to complain about.

She is taking a break right now and I am shuddering that she will come back invigorated after the break.

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Culture Kotudhu 1

utbt — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 12:14:49 +0000

* KOTUDHU – is a Tamil word that translates to ‘IS POURING’

Yes, a new series….

“Why did you move back to India? Because you have two girls and you want them to get the Indian culture?” is a question I get asked many times.

So here is my observation of the Indian culture that the girls are getting, from the side lines.

Scribed by child1, dictated by child2.

A Playdate In Three Acts

utbt — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 10:58:28 +0000

A child, Mieja’s age is at home to play.

Act I

Mieja to the child: See, see. See how beautifully my mother has arranged the house. She has the brown couch here and black bench there. There is also the daybed, so that we can sit and look at the pictures. She works hard to keep the house this way. It is sooo beautiful-na?!

Act II

The visiting child is conducting a drawing contest for which Chula and Mieja are supposed to draw two pictures each.

V.Child to Mieja: Hey, what are you drawing yaar? Your party picture does not look like party at all. Give me it, I will draw and you can color.

Mieja: No. This is my picture. This is how I want it.

V.Child: Okay then. I will not give you prize for this. I don’t like it.

Mieja: Its okay. I am drawing for myself. Not for prize. This is how I want it.

V.Child: Then your mother will be angry with you for not getting prize. She will scold you.

Mieja: Nooo. My mother will not. She says you have to do what makes you happy and do it the best. She will not scold me or do ‘katti’ with me for not getting prize. Yeah, my mother knows everything-re. She is older than you. Do you know how old she is? Vvverrry old. She is 34. See, I told you she is old and knows everything?!

Looks like I can retire. I have imparted wisdom, knowledge, values, thankfulness, appreciation and of course, I am old. The decision is further confirmed by the song the three children are singing and eating dinner.

Act III

Dum maro dummmmm

Pizza bubblegummmmm

Put it on your bummmmm

So long folks, have a good one.

Truly Original Thoughts

utbt — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 05:46:44 +0000

Mieja: “Amma just get me a Barbie and a carrot. No, no, many, many carrots. Okay?”

Background information.

Amma, at some point of time: Carrots are good for you. They make you healthy and intelligent.

Amma, at all points of time: Barbies tell little girls that ONLY beauty is important.

A frustrated Amma, at some point of time: Playing with Barbies will make you stupid.

For more truly original thoughts visit here.

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Before I Forget…

utbt — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 18:31:36 +0000

Sunday afternoon.
The children are playing in their room and I am watching them play.
They are pretending that they are selling mangoes:

Mieja: Amma, would you like to buy some magical mangoes from me?
Me: Ummm… that depends on the price. How much does your mangoes cost?
Mieja: Oh, don’t worry about that amma, the mangoes are free. Would you like some?

Namma than free-a koduthal phenoyl kooda kudipome (We belong to respectable family that will drink even phenol, a cleaning liquid, if it is free), so my eyes light up!

Me: Free? Sure, I will have 2 kgs.
Meija: Here amma.

She hands over the mangoes and says,

Mieja: Amma, but these are just the mangoes. The magic is separate. You have to pay me to sprinkle the magic on the mangoes. That is not free.

I am stumped! I am upset that I signed up for this deal without reading the fine print.

Me: You never told me this! I thought that I was buying magical mangoes. I don’t want your magic. I will just make do with my free mangoes.

Chula, neatly cuts in,

Chula: Amma, I understand why you are upset. But the magic makes sure that you don’t have to keep buying more and more mangoes. Once you eat a mango, another one will appear magically. Don’t you think it is worth it? Isn’t is a great deal?

And I did buy the magic, with many possible career choice for the girls running through my mind, with a sheepish expression, with my pretend money.

C is For Clueless

utbt — Sun, 08 May 2011 03:54:55 +0000

Location: Nordstorm, Handbags and accessories department.

A gentleman holding two Coach handbags, same design, two different colors, same price, one in each hand and comparing.

Gentleman to the sales person: These two bags are the same design and price, but one is bigger than the other. What does it mean?

Sales person: It means that one bag is stuffed with more paper than the other.

Clueless people buying handbags means only one thing. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY folks.

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Overa ‘The Overnight Fairy’

utbt — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 04:00:51 +0000

So we are M.A.D about fairies at home…..

Rainbow Magic series, thanks to the recommendation of the lovely ladies at SaffronTree, has served us well. One thing that Meija seems to have nailed down is that there can be fairies for everything and every occasion. She goes around the house, doing whatever she is doing, mumbling

Sopa the soap fairy
Slippera the slipper fairy
Marmala the marmalade fairy
Pencila the pencil fairy
Lunchella the lunch fairy
Sandella the sandbox fairy

….you get the idea.

Cut. Scene change.

I was on the phone requesting the husband to make a quick stop at Target, on his way back from work, to pick up some much needed feminine products. I gave him a bunch of keywords to narrow down what to choose and what new fairy we have at home?

Overa the overnight fairy.

Questions. Of course there are always questions…

Why do I need protection in the night?
Am I going to be attacked by some kind of monster?
How exactly her Appa is arranging for my protection?

Now some one please explain to me, how a child can totally glaze over/ignore/fail to notice/do her own thing for specific, in the face (this I mean quite literally), direct, instructions about cleaning up, finish her food, get ready for school in time etc, but can absorb a vague conversation on the phone and introduce it in her pretend play?

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More Parenting Theorems

utbt — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 04:00:10 +0000

Theorem I: It is easy to fool your child.
Theorem II: In the circle of life, you are the real fool.

I am on the couch reading a book. Mieja is walking around the house with a cup of milk. I see her walk in to the bedroom. I hear a thump sound, a ‘gluck’ sound and there is an ominous silence. I am still on the couch, but I say, ‘Get the cleaning rag and clean up the spilled milk please.’ She comes running to me and says, ‘How did you know that I spilled the milk?’ I put on my most serious look and say, ‘I can see through walls. No matter where you are, what you are doing, I know exactly what is going on.’

Fast forward a few weeks.

I am in the kitchen cooking. I am calling Mieja. I am just trying to locate her and find out what she is doing. There is no reply. I do not want to drop what I am doing and run around the house. So I repeat her name enough number of times to compose an ashtotharam. Finally I give up, walk to the child and ask why she did not respond. She says, ‘But why Amma? You can see through walls, so I thought you can see where I am and what I am doing.’

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