Continued from Resilience In Children.

Children of today need to learn to be resilient. Why? Not because there is going to be a war tomorrow and the child’s survival depends on how resilient he/she is.

In general the world is becoming more and more competitive. Is it just me or does every one notice that more and more children are getting insanely good scores…I don’t know, something like 295.7/300 and still miss out on their dream college? Is it just me or does every one notice that the kids who come to singing competitions (the Indian equivalent of American idol) are getting younger and younger? The other day at my friend’s palace, in SUN TV I saw this 9 year old girl competing with a bunch of other girls (who were also young but at least their ages were in two digits) and the judges pronounced the verdict, ‘Voice needs to mature’. This really made me think. Were the parents and the music teacher pushy or did they really believe that the child could do it? Should the judge appreciate the attitude of this 9 year old child and appreciate her for that or should be open about the comments? What about Kutraleeshwaran? He was simply one of ‘the best’ in long distance swimming. But had to give it up because of lack of sponsorships. There is no dearth in the number of people sponsoring sports persons, but unfortunately in India, if you are a cricket player in the Indian team you make it otherwise, ‘Sorry pal, tough luck’. Oh, don’t forget the spelling bees, geography bees, math olympiads (and what nots). Initially what started out as a fun way to inspire children has now been turned in to an ugly circus show, thanks to sponsors, TV coverage etc.

Coming to the point, children are now in positions where they face far more rejections, than we did as children, at a much early age. So they need to be resilient to handle life and to realize that life is much more than being recognized by ‘the whole wide world’.

To some children resilience comes naturally. Those children who are independent, make friends easily, take leadership roles, persistent at a task without showing frustration can be called resilient. This does not mean that a slow to warm up child is going to have a tough time, because resilience can be conditioned through the child’s experiences and environment.

Model to build resilience

Unconditional love, consistent care, recognize the need for independence, be there for the child, expose the child to other loving people are some of the things we already do and it greatly contributes to increase resilience in children. But I like the way it is broken down in to three categories, makes it simpler:
(Source: http://resilnet.uiuc.edu/library/grotb95b.html#chapter1)

I HAVE
* People around me I trust and who love me, no matter what
* People who set limits for me so I know when to stop before there is danger or trouble
* People who show me how to do things right by the way they do things
* People who want me to learn to do things on my own
* People who help me when I am sick, in danger or need to learn

I AM
* A person people can like and love
* Glad to do nice things for others and show my concern
* Respectful of myself and others
* Willing to be responsible for what I do
* Sure things will be all right

I CAN
* Talk to others about things that frighten me or bother me
* Find ways to solve problems that I face
* Control myself when I feel like doing something not right or dangerous
* Figure out when it is a good time to talk to someone or to take action
* Find someone to help me when I need it

What can parents do? Practical tips.

* Help your child form trust bonds outside their home turf. If there is a good friend or relative who is willing to baby sit your child or take her to the park, do not hesitate and worry yourself with questions like ‘What if my child cries’, ‘Am I troubling this friend?’, ‘Is it really necessary?’.

* Introduce negative events in a positive light. Refer to this post by Mnamma. She has done a wonderful job of introducing death to M and N in a positive light. This is called positive cognitive processing. It teaches them there are some things that cannot be changed, redone. It teaches them sometimes, certain things like death happens, it is the work of nature, there is no one to be blamed for this. It helps them to accept the negative things and see the positive in the negative.

* No matter how little your child is, give her some safe work, that she/he can do by her/himself. In our house, Chula and Mieja help me unload the dishwasher (after I have removed sharp cutlery and glass objects, the dishwasher is all theirs). When Chula was 16 months she used to help me transfer clothes from washer to the dryer (I was in my third trimester and was finding it difficult to squat down in the miniscule space and transfer clothes to the dryer, so it worked great!). If they spill water, I give them a rag cloth and they clean up the water mess (of course, I have to put the finishing touch, but it gives them gratification that they have accomplished something, teaches them to take responsibility for their actions and last but not the least gives me a sense of ‘getting back’ to them!)

* Teach them it is okay to ask for help. Teach them to give their 100% in what they are doing but also teach them that giving 100% is not the same as doing a huge chunk of work all by yourself and suffer.

* Teach them your family’s values. Tell them that as parents you have high expectations on them, but also make them (and yourself) understand that expectations are not a list of to do things for the child. Expectations are just what a parent thinks a child can accomplish, it is a goal for both the parent and the child to achieve as a team. Tell them clearly that you, as a parent, will give as much support and guidance as the child wants/needs to meet the expectations.

* Last but not the least FAITH-RELIGION-SPIRITUALITY. I know some of us haven’t sorted out how to introduce religion to children. Personally I feel it is easier to introduce my own path inclusive of all its traditions and ways of doing things and festivities/celebrations to my children. But if you are not a believer yourself, make them aware that there is a higher power and give them a way to express their spiritual needs. Spirituality and religion are important for resilience. It helps in times of crisis and stress. It also provides coherence, faith, purpose, stability, and a positive attitude.