Chula: Amma, I want to be a princess.
(Meaning, she wants to wear her silk skirt – pattu pavadai)

Chula, looks at me wearing a yellow saree and exclaims, ‘Wow amma. You are a yellow princess.’

Chula: Amma, I am a princess.

Chula commenting about something: Amma, this is so beautiful, just like a princess.

At school, Chula’s friend’s mom says ‘hi’ to Chula. Chula shyly moves away, she wants nothing to do with this lady, she is hiding behind me with her face stuck to my back. But the minute the lady remarks, ‘Wow, look at you. You are all dressed up, just like a princess’, she immediately gravitates to the lady, sits on her lap and starts a conversation. The transformation was so abrupt that it made my jaw drop in shock.

Even little Mieja uses the P-word frequently. “I want pisses”. (Pisses = Princess)

All this is troubles me. In the past, I have ignored it, I have acknowledged it, I have denied it. I have no problem with princesses/princes/fantasy play/fairly tales. I believe that the purpose of fairy tales is to provide children with emotional sustenance. The original stories have messages about valor, values and highlight the qualities that bring an individual close to greatness. What I don’t like is today’s trend of throwing the original message in to dumps and focusing only on the external appearance. Most young girls are strongly attracted to qualities like fair, pure, serene. So today’s princesses commercial market projects ONLY beauty.

I know that hate is a strong word, but I have no qualms using it in this context. I hate the way the princess image is plastered in to these little minds. I hate the way so much unspoken message is given through these blond hair and blue eyed princess. I strongly hate the pathetic attempts at cultural sensitivity by introducing Jasmine, Pocahontas and Mulan. They are as inappropriate and out of context as the tan skinned, saree-wearing Barbies that are marketed in India. Have any one read the capsule version of Snow White/Beauty And The Beast/Cinderella? In order to present the story in a jiffy, most of the essential symbolism is trimmed down and the end product is five pages of absolute injustice to children’s literature, which sabotages the minds of young girls in to thinking that they ‘need’ prince charming to save them.

Some one needs to tell these kids that appearance does not make a princess, but it is the great human qualities and inner beauty counts. How about telling these kids about Joan of Arc or the Jhansi Rani Lakshmi Bai?

So in the past I have ignored the P-word. I have also denied it. But now, I am slowly learning to accept it. The reason is, the more I resist it, the more enticing it is going to sound to Chula and Mieja. We have princess stuff in moderation at home. (Okay, okay, we have one princess lunch bag and one Snow White storybook. Well, something is better than nothing.) Whenever they want to play with the lunch bag or the story read to them, I oblige. But the Snow White story I read to them is MY version. Where Snow White’s ‘happy go lucky/making the best out of the situation she is in’ attitude is highlighted. And Chula strongly believes that ‘the prince’ who saves Snow White is her father. (‘Amma, appa is taking good care of Snow White’. Yay! Sexist message is taken care of.)

Any ways, when ever I hear the P-word in association with external appearance, I keep reiterating that princess-ness (my audacity for coining new words is purely derived from my inability to pick the right word from the million words that already exist in English language) does not come from the clothes, that she is a princess all the time, because she is loving, lovable and intelligent. And that’s what makes a princess.

Edited to add: United they stand, Divided they fall. Thanks Balaji making me put my finger on something that I have started doing subconsciously. I break the princesses by names. It is Cinderella, Snow White..( and others…Dang, I first need a princess101 ). It gives the ‘Princesses’ certain human-ness. The generality just gives them more mystery and unapproachability. Reference by name gives the message that they are human beings, fantasy but still human.

My mom is from a big family. She has one older brother and four younger sisters. My aunts and uncle put together I have 6 cousins on my mother’s side. My dad has one older brother, one older sister and one younger sister. Again, 6 cousins from my father’s side. But there is a messy family politics(MUCH messier in my mother’ side than my father’s side) involved, in to which I choose not to dwell. Inspite of having shared the same womb, same blood, the extent to which the siblings would go to spite one another was something that scared (or should I say scarred) me for life. Through out school life, I missed having a sibling around. When you really want something, life has a way of giving it you. In my case, life gave me four( 3 + 1*) great friends. You know the coolest part? I could share good feelings, my sorrows, without having to share material things. Yippeee! Every thing has a silver lining folks, E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G 🙂

Chula and Mieja 15 months apart and being the same sex, one doubt I had in my mind was – these girls are going to be competing for the same resources for the rest of their lives. That scared me. I do not want them to nurse grudges and let jealousy ruin their relationship.

One of my attempt to foster attachment is I try to make them communicate directly. For instance, if Mieja wants something, like a bottle opened, to be read a picture book, opening an umbrella and if I think Chula can handle it, I tell Mieja to ask her elder sister. Pretty soon, when Mieja can do more things, I plan to extend this role mutually (because I think 15 month old difference is too little to establish the older sibling – younger sibling hierarchy). So far Chula has obliged and is pleased as plum when she is being asked for help.

As a result of all this, I think Mieja thinks Chula is MUCH older than her. The other day Chula wanted me to read a book like her teacher (meaning, me sitting on a chair and read the book as if some one would read a book to a big group as opposed to our regular reading sessions in which both the children are piled up on my lap). Mieja walked in and tried to climb on my lap. I gently nudged her and pointed to the floor and asked her to sit on the floor, otherwise she will not be able to see the book. She immediately went and sat on Chula’s lap! Chula gladly indulged, ‘Oh baby. I can’t see. Here sit like this, now we both can see. Okay?’ That was totally cute 🙂

Another thing I have started doing, during bath time(which is common for the girls), I ask them each two questions. ‘What was that one good thing you did for your Chula/Mieja today?’, ‘What was that your Chula/Mieja did today, made you very happy?’

Chula invariably answers, ‘Amma, I scrub my sister’ or ‘I read a book for Mieja’ for the first question. For the second it is always, ‘Amma, Mieja came to my school to pick me up. I was so happy to see her.’

So far Mieja, being the Villupattu specialist she is, simply repeats the last word of her sister’s most recent statement. ‘I chub. I chub. Watuul.’, ‘Chula kool….’

Will they grow up to be good friends inspite of their differences? Only time can tell. Meanwhile, I am determined to do my best.

PS
*Boo, some how the ‘little sister’ image is plastered to my mind and hence I leave you out whenever I talk about friends. But you know what? Sisters can/must be friends. That’s what I expect from my girls. So from now on it is official, I have four great friends.

When we talk about children’s growth phases, ages two – seven years are called the pre-operational child, the phase before a child can become fully operational. The child is learning a lot of things. Language develops, she is learning to see other’s point of views. They learn symbolism and grasp abstract concepts. A child might behave in a manner that one might think ‘selfish’, but it is not. A behavior can be defined as selfish only when a person is fully capable of analyzing different point of views and prefer to do something that works best for them, even if it means inconveniencing the rest of the world. A child, before the age of seven cannot fully comprehend a situation, simply does not have the cognitive development to do so. She sees the world through HER eyes. Just because she thinks that she must have the toy, she thinks that every one around her, younger and older, think the same – that SHE must have the toy! A phrase called ‘egocentric’ was coined for this kind of behavior. Every one at some point of time would have noticed their child refer to herself in third person, for example Chula/Mieja saying ‘Chula/Mieja wants this.’ This is a perfect example of egocentrism. Many times I have noticed Chula/Mieja sitting in front of me, having some book facing them. They would point to the book and ask me what it is. It does not occur to them that I am sitting in front of them, not next to them and hence cannot see the book, but only the front cover of the book. In their little minds they truly believe that the whole world sees what they see. Egocentrism is not a bad thing just because the phrase ego is a part of it. Only when a child fully, completely understands her point of view, she can understand others point of views.

Couple of Wednesdays back hubby had a meeting and I was faced with the monumental task of getting both the children ready, drop them off at their respective school/day care and get to work, all before 8.30AM. This is how the dinning table conversations went.

Me: Chula, Mieja, appa has to go to work early. So I want your full co-operation. Okay?

Chula: Amma, where is appa?

Me: Appa is at work. Eat your cereal.

Chula: Amma, I want Chicka Chicka Boom Boom.

Me: Okay, I will read the book. But you must keep eating. Otherwise we will be late. If you stop eating, I will stop reading.

Mieja: Amma, I want markul.(markers for coloring)

Me: Kanamma, we are reading a book now. We focus on one thing at a time. Now see what is going to happen to the alphabets. {Shoving the next spoon of cereal in to the child’s mouth.}

Chula: Amma, I want to read it.

Me: Yes, after you finish your cereal. Because if you can’t read when you are eating. Remember you have to finish eating soon, otherwise we will be late.

Mieja: Amma, I want thee thee.

Me: Songs are for the evening. Now it is cereal time.

Mieja: I want ‘a – ba – ca – da’ song….

Me: Not now….

Chula: {But Chula has already started singing}…aa – ba – ca – da – e – fa – ga….

Me: Okay, akka is singing it right. Eat as you listen to the song.

So it just kept coming back to the same thing. I was on my one track mind, trying to get the kids strapped, loaded and ready to be dropped by a certain time and the kids where in their own world, which had no place words like co-operation, understanding, more importantly ‘TIME’. Hmmp.

As an adult, I still was in my own egocentric world. How can I expect the children not to do that? So I picked up the phone, called my work and left a message that I will be late and can come only between 9.00AM – 9.15AM as opposed to my regular time.

We all finished breakfast without any pressure, tears or drama and left for our respective destinations. Oh, btw, I reached work at 8.45. I was only 15 min late, as opposed my initial estimate of 45 minutes late. Its amazing how things roll smoothly once the pressure is off! Life is good. 🙂

Three weeks back there was a girl scouts event in our local Indian Community Center. As a (dormant) Tamil language teacher I was asked to come by and help out. The event was a tourist approach to introduce India to upper elementary and middle school children. They had several booths and one of it was a language booth. My role was to write the kids names in Tamil in a post card so that the kids can post the card to any one/anywhere.

What would I do if I get a post card from some one I know, with a script I can’t read? I would assume that this person I know is unloading some kind of abuse on me. To save the unknown reader from that confusion, I wrote the name in Tamil, with a postscript in English that says ‘name written in Tamil – a language spoken in the southern part of India’.

There I was sitting and writing names like Dobyns and Cassandra in Tamil. Initially there was a confusion if I must use ‘sha’ or ‘sa’ what with the former one considered Tamil and the later one considered grantha(adapted from sanskrit). Since I wasn’t claiming to be an authority in Tamil and I wasn’t writing a book, I decided to cut some slack for myself. Hey, I HAD to use other grantha letters like ‘Ha’ , otherwise how can I write Higgins?

Then came the confusion of splitting the name in to syllables vs sounding out the names and writing the sounds I hear in Tamil. I mean English is a very confusing language. For example take the word ‘house’. I can say ‘h+ou+se’. Or I can sound out the word, in which case I say ‘h’, ‘a’, ‘u’, ‘s’ sounds.

At this point the name was already disfigured.

Add to this the accent. I grew up thinking that Donald was ‘Do-nal-du’. Only when I watched KamalHassan (in Tamil movie Vasool Raaja MBBS) did that dim, tube light lit up in my head, ‘Hey that is Donald’. I was a good 28 years of age by then.

Coming back, the name was severely mutilated and the Tamil too. Because every language has rules as to what letters can go together and what cannot. I had a set of no-no letters sitting together that would make my Maragatham miss(my 10th std Tamil teacher) come after me with a whip.

Yesterday, my Development of Language and Literacy in Young Child class addressed this. Apparently there is something called phonemic awareness and something else called phonetic awareness. Phonetics is the sound of letters, which we normally use to read and mostly to spell. Phonemic awareness has nothing to do with letter sounds, it just deals with how a young child hears a word and splits it in her head. As a result the phonemic spelling of a word might be something completely bizarre like the way I spelled house earlier (haus). Children mostly move from the phonemic stage to spelling the words correctly unconsciously it seems. Doesn’t your respect for toddler brain just grow leaps and bounds? Mine did.

Speaking about learning English, how did you learn English? I have been raking my mind to see if I can remember how I learnt English and I can’t come up with anything. I can say one things for sure, I wasn’t taught phonics/phonemes/morphology/etymology or any other -ology. For a long time I thought phonics has something to do with the telephone. When Chula’s leap frog phonics bus said, ‘A says a, A says AA’, I went ‘huh?’. Few memories I have that is associated with learning a language (any language)

At age 5: Telling my father, ‘Appa, don’t say FatherR. Don’t say DaughteR. Say Father, daughter’ and my father still teases me for it.

Also at age 5: Remembering my English teacher say that we have to speak only in English in school and at home. That is the only way to be better in English. Then a young naive me coming back home and speaking ONLY in English and getting teased to death by dear family members.

At age 4: Remember learning to read Tamil by reading Dhina Thandhi.

PS:

Now, at home, I consciously speak in Tamil, try read Tamil books. This is both for the benefit of the kids and my benefit. Ain’t life funny?! In just 25 years life spins a 180, that makes one do the complete opposite.

Why must English be so confusing? Like the wise KamalHassan asked in ‘Oru Kaidhiyin Diary’, why is put not rhyming with but though only the first letter is different? Why do we say but as ‘bat’ and bat as ‘baat’? I can go on and on. But I leave you with a link to a post by nm that was timed superbly with what was going on in my mind.

A couple more posts on Language Development to follow(over a period of time 🙂 ) and hence the ‘I’ in the title.

Edited to add a new link (from Kiran’s blog)

We had a discussion in class about the ‘Sexualization of young children’, little girls in particular.

Well about the sexualization of young children….I don’t know where to start. Sexualization in the past used to mean gender typing/stereotyping the role of a woman/body image. But now the problem has moved far beyond this. To give a gist, it talks about how everything under the sun in today’s capitalist world, from clothing to toys to entertainment to movies to magazines, are portraying children as sex objects. It talks about the trend of the present days where the average age for a young girl wanting to start wearing thong underwear is seven. It talks about the dangerous trend where in the name of “cute”, today’s children are dressed in skimpy clothes which is leading to insanely high number incidents involving pedophile.

Sitting at home mulching over what we talked about in class, my mind was filled with nothing but questions. So folks please feel free to help me out.

Why does a seven-year-old child want to wear thong underwear with words ‘cute’ or ‘eye candy’ printed across it? Why does a 9 year old need a push-up bra? What exactly is she trying to push up? What ever is present is consistent with her age, then why push it up? What does a seven-year-old have in her chest or in her rear that she wants to flaunt? Do they do it out of free will/instinct? Do they understand the full impact of the message? Or the do they do it because they are getting noticed only if they give out such a message? If they are doing it for getting noticed, noticed by whom? By another child who is in second grade with her? Or they just want some eyes on them, does not matter if the eyes belong to a seven year old boy or a seventeen year old boy? There is nothing wrong in dressing for attention. But where do we draw the line? How do we tell the difference between positive attention and negative attention?

The professor told us that parents need to start making a stand in this issue. Okay, having said that, where does one start?

Clothing? Look at a young girl’s clothing department – do the parents have a choice?
I have seen t-shirts with phrases like Delicious, Tease, Hot Chick, Good Girls Do Bad things, Hottie…..??! People living in the country like US, where manpower is more expensive and it is cheaper to buy things out of a super market, where is the choice? Some of the clothes I see displayed in malls, have an elastic under the breast area, with a deep V neck. Why do children under ten need to wear clothes like this? Thongs – Is it really fun to walk around with a self imposed wedgie? What if the panty line shows through the pants? Every one knows every one wears underwear…right?!

Toys? Why does a 10 year old need a pole dancing kit?, that too with the wordings ‘unleash that sex kitten in you’. Barbies…..OMG, do not get me started with Barbies. Why does a toy for a three-year-old need to be so well endowed? As if one of this kind wasn’t enough, Barbies are now joined by the Bratz dolls wearing mini skirts/fishnet stockings/garters.

Stationary? Good news folks…. now play boy is selling stationary and school supply, with play boy logo to young children…What?? Why? An attempt to put the play boy logo in to young minds, so that when they grow up they are tuned towards playboy products? I am not a prude. I do not have anything against porn or people viewing porn. But that must be the choice of a mentally mature, stable adult. Seducing children by sending subliminal messages is sick.

Visual Media? I don’t even have to go in to this. By far this has been the widely accused, highly prevalent medium that sends out strong sexual messages. It is not just sexual messages, if you look at movies, there are messages that promote smoking, drinking and violence. I am not talking about the explicit messages in R-rated movies, I am talking about the hidden messages in PG-13 movies. Now, two adults making out in complete nudity is an explicit message. Versus, ‘boy visiting museum, trips on a nude statue, breaking the phallus, trying to stick the phallus back and the phallus keeps falling back’. The later scene might be passed off as comedy, but the message that is conveyed is more dangerous because it portrays sex/sexual image as ‘fun’.

Peers? Now my three-year-old want to wear stockings just like Sara. When she is 10, what do I do if she wants to wear a mini skirt just like Victoria? Peers are by far the most powerful influence on young mind and parents do not have much control over the friends a child chooses.

Adult figures? Who do I talk to? Who do I appeal to? Do I change my entire wardrobe with respect to what might impact my child? Do I ask my child’s preschool teacher not to wear a thong + low rise jeans or low cut blouses? Should schools be imposing dress codes for the teachers? If so, isn’t it interfering in personal freedom?

Magazines? Books? I have seen teen magazines with messages like, ‘Straighten your hair and loose ten pounds to get the man of your dreams’. Publishers can no longer get away with lame excuses like, ‘Oh we target these for 18 year olds’. Don’t extensive marketing and survey show these people that 18 year olds have moved on to reading Cosmo, Vogue kind of magazines and the average age of their readers is 10-12?

Just tell me where I must take a stand as a parent and I will do it. To me it seems that everything that is marketed to young children has a hidden message in it.

What makes this issue even more sensitive + dangerous is the level of understanding. For a teenager or a teenage mom, hung up on looks, such symbols are just ‘fun’. A teenager who can use her brains will argue, ‘Why must I be victimized just because I am a girl? I must have the freedom to dress up the way I want to. i can’t change my way for the sake of perverts’. To a newly married woman, it does not matter as it is not the area of her focus. To a new mom, halter tops, low cut jeans, belly showing clothes are just cute. For a mother with a daughter who is at the verge of puberty it is scary. If you are a mother to male children, you will not realize this till your boys are around 10 years old, getting visual stimulation from girls around them. Based on this, I am sure some of you readers may fail to ‘get’ what I am ranting about. Some of you might think I am over reacting and some of you might empathize with me.

Parents can take a stand – screening friends, constant talking – not just to your kid but also to your kid’s friends, careful monitoring without crossing boundaries, refusing to buy certain types of clothing/music/videos/magazines/books, screening TV…..but there is only so muchone can do.

Additional Reading For Your Interest:

http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=NDNkODc3NWJkNDNmMTQ0YmFmZjI3MTJiMmU4ZDZjNzQ=

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/16/AR2007021602263_pf.html

http://www.livemint.com/2007/12/01001537/In-a-Barbie-world.html

http://www.apa.org/pi/wpo/sexualization.html

By observing Chula and Mieja, I have a rough humor development chart.

They both laughed for nursery rhymes like ‘Chubby cheeks dimple chin…’, ‘This little piggy went to the market’…. and ‘Round and round the garden’ around 2 months – 4 months.

Then they laughed for peek-a-boo, between 7 months to a year.

Then the ‘oopsi doopsie’ phase – If I drop something, either on purpose or by accident, it evoked peals of laughter. This started around a year or so. There is a subtlety in this phase. It initially starts with laughing only after the completion of the event and matures to start giggling at the anticipation of the event. Chula and Mieja are now in the latter stage.

Kumbal-oda Govinda (Meaning: following the crowd)– Sometime around 20 – 22 months, Chula used to watch Barney and laugh when she hears or sees other children laughing. It would be a verbal joke, and she would still laugh. It was interesting to observe her do this because I was curious what provoked her to laugh. Questioning her did not bring me any clarity because she did not understand what I was talking about. So I concluded that she laughed just to be a part of whatever was going on. It also reminded me of my childhood. Around 6-7 years I used to watch ‘The Lucy Show’ in television. With the American accent and all, I had no idea what they were talking about, but I would still laugh and my parents used to pull my legs. My father would ask me to explain the joke with a twinkle in his eyes and I would draw a blank 🙂 . My mom also observed Chula laughing for Barney and remarked, ‘Just like you did…’

Last month we were at a birthday party. The host hired a clown to entertain the kids. The clown had some slapstick routines, every time he bent down to pick some thing from his case, he would make a loud offensive fart noise. And every time he did that my Chula laughed her head off!! The other kids laughed because the noise was socially inappropriate. Chula still does not know that it is not ‘proper’ to make bodily noises in public. She still does not know the difference between ‘pleasant’ smell and ‘unpleasant’ smell. She takes a deep breath, fills her lungs with pleasant/unpleasant odor and says, ‘Hmmmm, ahaaa, smells like good amma’. Then why did she laugh? I asked her some simple questions and the conclusion this time was that the surprise caused by the impromptu action made her laugh. She still didn’t get the adult version of the joke. This was around 33 months of age.

This got me quite interested in (1) What is sense of humor? (2) How does sense of humor develop in children? Are children born with it or do they acquire it? (3) What is the connection between intelligence and sense of humor? (4) Can it be conditioned? If so what can a parent do to encourage the child’s sense of humor? (5) Is there a universal pattern in the development of humor in children? (6) How does humor help a child?

I did a bit of research about this. People like Aristotle and Darwin did quite a bit of research and ended up just touching the tip of the iceberg. So I am definitely not doing full justice to this topic.

In simple words, humor is the ability to appreciate the unexpected.

Is humor nature or nurture? My understanding is that humor is acquired. Because, infants simply do not have the verbal and cognitive ability to process jokes. The baby laughing when tickled is just a response to physical stimulation. As they grow a bit, they see the adults laughing and mimic them. Then they see they can please the adults by laughing and they laugh. Then they realize that some thing falling down and the mother making a funny ‘oopsie-doopsie’ or a parent making a silly face is an unexpected action and they laugh in response to that. Humor development is strongly associated with the brain’s ability to process and support the processed information.

We do not see animals laughing. Nope I stand corrected, apparently it is proven that even rats ‘laugh’ when their ribs are tickled! But that is just a response to a physical stimulation. What I menat is animals do not perceive jokes and respond to that with laughter. Well, I am not counting chimps, they do seem to have a concept of humor, mostly slapstick. So sense of humor must be a sign of intelligence right? Looks like we human beings come with the biological capacity to laugh, make jokes and understand jokes. Our brains are ‘wired to take pleasure from humor and laughter’. There are three different zones in the brain, each with the synaptic information to process different kinds of jokes (semantic jokes, phonological jokes, and slapstick jokes). By correlating this information with the study (if I may call it so!!) of my daughters, I conclude that the zone for slapstick develops earlier. For the other kind of jokes the brain has to be mature enough to grasp the humor. So is a child shows the ability to understand a phonological joke or a semantic joke before she is expected to, it is logical to assume that her brain is quite mature for her age. Also to see through the current disaster, pick the sliver lining and make a joke about it requires complicated brainwork. So I am convinced that humor is definitely a sign of intelligence.

Yes, humor can be conditioned. Parents with good sense of humor have children with good sense of humor. The more humorous situations a baby is exposed to, the better his sense of humor.
At the risk of sounding too Baby center-ish here are some practical tips

Play with the baby.

Laugh with the baby.

Plenty of interaction with the father (The logical reasoning behind this sexist statement is that the mother has more parenting responsibilities and is always a serious task master. But the father tends to be the good cop and his mood is more relaxed. For example, when the baby is scooping her peas and throwing it all over the room, instead of worrying about clean up and nutrition, like the mother does, the father laughs and makes jokes.)

Listen to your child’s stories.

Encourage her to be creative.

Read humorous stories.

Use humor as an alternative to scolding.

A much as I would like to take credit for this humor development chart for children, it is NOT MINE. I found this section on the web. But I misplaced the link and I am not able to trace it. If some one finds this link, I will be happy to give credit to author.
**Begin quote
Here are the general stages of development for what makes children laugh. Keep in mind, though, that it’s impossible to be specific about each child’s development, and stages typically overlap.

6-12 months: Takes delight in caregiver’s unexpected actions. Example: peekaboo.
12 to 15 months: Graduates from reacting to something funny to initiating it. Example: putting a cup on Daddy’s head and calling it a hat.
2 years: Makes “mistakes” to show mastery of a subject. Example: You ask her to show you her nose, she points to her knees.
3 years: Distorts known features of words, ideas, and objects. Example: asking for a dirt muffin and worm cheese; slapstick and potty humor.
4 to 5: The pre-riddle stage, when they have the form but not the content.
Example: “Why does the chicken cross the road?” “To go to bed.”
6 to 7: Riddles and knock-knock jokes.
End quote**

This making mistakes to show mastery of a subject is how rubber duckie and donut originated! So Chula, Mieja can’t wait to hear your knock-knock jokes!

Sense of humor helps children the same way it helps an adult. Every one loves, accepts and are friends with a person with a good sense of humor. Apart from the social aspect, humor helps people get through the dull, boring, hard, hectic, painful, lousy, anxious, uncomfortable, dark phases of life. Jokes, especially phonological and semantic ones, will help cildren understand the subtility in language. Personally I developed my tamil by reading jokes from Ananda Vikatan/Daily Tandhi. Of course, all of us have heard about the bit laughter + endorphins = healthy body/life/mind.

Some more interesting information:
Coming back to one of my all time favorite topics, gender differences, sense of humor starts off the same in children of both sexes. Around 6 years or so, owing to the differences in brain development and the way the information is processed, there are certain things that are more appealing to boys than girls and vice versa. Girls like verbal humor, boys like physical, slapstick and off color jokes! Since society accepts boys making physical jokes, better than girls making physical jokes, the pattern gets set.

Resources:
http://www.boston.com/yourlife/family/articles/2005/08/04/laughing_now_might_help_your_children_to_be_funny_later/
(If the full link is not displayed, click here to read the article.)
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/growth/learning/child_humor.html
http://www.wireheading.com/intracran/funbrain.html
http://www.scholastic.com/earlylearner/age3/learning/qc_humor.htm
http://www.sesameworkshop.org/parents/advice/article.php?contentId=48260

Continued from Resilience In Children.

Children of today need to learn to be resilient. Why? Not because there is going to be a war tomorrow and the child’s survival depends on how resilient he/she is.

In general the world is becoming more and more competitive. Is it just me or does every one notice that more and more children are getting insanely good scores…I don’t know, something like 295.7/300 and still miss out on their dream college? Is it just me or does every one notice that the kids who come to singing competitions (the Indian equivalent of American idol) are getting younger and younger? The other day at my friend’s palace, in SUN TV I saw this 9 year old girl competing with a bunch of other girls (who were also young but at least their ages were in two digits) and the judges pronounced the verdict, ‘Voice needs to mature’. This really made me think. Were the parents and the music teacher pushy or did they really believe that the child could do it? Should the judge appreciate the attitude of this 9 year old child and appreciate her for that or should be open about the comments? What about Kutraleeshwaran? He was simply one of ‘the best’ in long distance swimming. But had to give it up because of lack of sponsorships. There is no dearth in the number of people sponsoring sports persons, but unfortunately in India, if you are a cricket player in the Indian team you make it otherwise, ‘Sorry pal, tough luck’. Oh, don’t forget the spelling bees, geography bees, math olympiads (and what nots). Initially what started out as a fun way to inspire children has now been turned in to an ugly circus show, thanks to sponsors, TV coverage etc.

Coming to the point, children are now in positions where they face far more rejections, than we did as children, at a much early age. So they need to be resilient to handle life and to realize that life is much more than being recognized by ‘the whole wide world’.

To some children resilience comes naturally. Those children who are independent, make friends easily, take leadership roles, persistent at a task without showing frustration can be called resilient. This does not mean that a slow to warm up child is going to have a tough time, because resilience can be conditioned through the child’s experiences and environment.

Model to build resilience

Unconditional love, consistent care, recognize the need for independence, be there for the child, expose the child to other loving people are some of the things we already do and it greatly contributes to increase resilience in children. But I like the way it is broken down in to three categories, makes it simpler:
(Source: http://resilnet.uiuc.edu/library/grotb95b.html#chapter1)

I HAVE
* People around me I trust and who love me, no matter what
* People who set limits for me so I know when to stop before there is danger or trouble
* People who show me how to do things right by the way they do things
* People who want me to learn to do things on my own
* People who help me when I am sick, in danger or need to learn

I AM
* A person people can like and love
* Glad to do nice things for others and show my concern
* Respectful of myself and others
* Willing to be responsible for what I do
* Sure things will be all right

I CAN
* Talk to others about things that frighten me or bother me
* Find ways to solve problems that I face
* Control myself when I feel like doing something not right or dangerous
* Figure out when it is a good time to talk to someone or to take action
* Find someone to help me when I need it

What can parents do? Practical tips.

* Help your child form trust bonds outside their home turf. If there is a good friend or relative who is willing to baby sit your child or take her to the park, do not hesitate and worry yourself with questions like ‘What if my child cries’, ‘Am I troubling this friend?’, ‘Is it really necessary?’.

* Introduce negative events in a positive light. Refer to this post by Mnamma. She has done a wonderful job of introducing death to M and N in a positive light. This is called positive cognitive processing. It teaches them there are some things that cannot be changed, redone. It teaches them sometimes, certain things like death happens, it is the work of nature, there is no one to be blamed for this. It helps them to accept the negative things and see the positive in the negative.

* No matter how little your child is, give her some safe work, that she/he can do by her/himself. In our house, Chula and Mieja help me unload the dishwasher (after I have removed sharp cutlery and glass objects, the dishwasher is all theirs). When Chula was 16 months she used to help me transfer clothes from washer to the dryer (I was in my third trimester and was finding it difficult to squat down in the miniscule space and transfer clothes to the dryer, so it worked great!). If they spill water, I give them a rag cloth and they clean up the water mess (of course, I have to put the finishing touch, but it gives them gratification that they have accomplished something, teaches them to take responsibility for their actions and last but not the least gives me a sense of ‘getting back’ to them!)

* Teach them it is okay to ask for help. Teach them to give their 100% in what they are doing but also teach them that giving 100% is not the same as doing a huge chunk of work all by yourself and suffer.

* Teach them your family’s values. Tell them that as parents you have high expectations on them, but also make them (and yourself) understand that expectations are not a list of to do things for the child. Expectations are just what a parent thinks a child can accomplish, it is a goal for both the parent and the child to achieve as a team. Tell them clearly that you, as a parent, will give as much support and guidance as the child wants/needs to meet the expectations.

* Last but not the least FAITH-RELIGION-SPIRITUALITY. I know some of us haven’t sorted out how to introduce religion to children. Personally I feel it is easier to introduce my own path inclusive of all its traditions and ways of doing things and festivities/celebrations to my children. But if you are not a believer yourself, make them aware that there is a higher power and give them a way to express their spiritual needs. Spirituality and religion are important for resilience. It helps in times of crisis and stress. It also provides coherence, faith, purpose, stability, and a positive attitude.

We all think of children as flowers and treat them like an extremely delicate piece of ice sculpture. We fuss if they skip a meal or two. We feel absolutely helpless when they are sick. Change our entire TV/movie habits so that our children are not exposed inappropriate content. Watch what we talk in their presence. Worry if a new routine (like the mother going back to work/child starting school or day care/siblings) would scar them for the rest of their lives. All parents have an in built reflux that wants to reach out and wipe away all their child’s misery. But are they really that delicate? The truth is children are pretty resilient. Much resilient than what we give them credit for!

I was reading about Dr.Mario Capecchi, co-winner of 2007 Nobel Prize for Medicine. His incredible contribution to genetics is inspiring and brings hope to those who have complicated diseases running in the family. But what really left me speechless and set those wheels in my head turning was his childhood.

Dr.Capecchi was born in 1937 out of wedlock to American born Lucy Ramberg and an Italian airman who was later reported missing in action. His mother was anti-fascist and was sent to the Dachau concentration camp when Mario was just four years old. His mother had expected this to happen at some point of time, so she had liquidated her assets and had left the money with an Italian agricultural family and had made arrangements for the family to take care of her son. Mario still remembers the day ‘they came to take his mother away’. Unfortunately the money ran out in a year and the family could no longer take care of the little boy. This five-year-old child was left in the streets to fend for himself. For four years this child begged, stole and managed to survive on the streets of war ravaged Italy. After the war his mother, who had somehow survived Dachau found him in a hospital, malnourished, all skin and bones and mother and son were reunited. After the boy regained his strength, which took him a year owing to chronic malnourishment, they moved to United States. In the US, the boy was sent to the third grade. But he could not read or write English, Italian was his only means of communication. His teacher came up with a wonderful method of communicating through drawings. What words couldn’t accomplish, a piece of paper and pencil did. The boy slowly learned English, was soon elected the leader of his class, thanks to his street smartness, did his BS in Antioch College, successfully completed his research in biophysics in Harvard and is currently the co-chairman of the department of human genetics in University of Utah.

If asked to list the factors contributing to Mario’s success, I would say resilience, happy childhood till his mother was taken away, his mother’s role in his life, his teacher.

RESILIENCE
I have a few theories on resilience, just my ideas, haven’t found any research data to back it up.

*I personally think children are born with resilience.
*The degree of resilience varies from child to child – the early childhood experiences contribute to this varying degree.
*Resilience is strongly linked with self-confidence.
*His degree of resilience is a strong indicator of supreme intelligence.

As is, it must have been an abnormal experience to be the child of unwed mother in 1937. Also his mother taking an active part in the anti-fascist movement must have definitely thrown a new set of variables in to the equation. To be able to see through times of distress and keep the mind focused on the logistics of what has to be done rather than succumbing to fear – all this in a four/five year old?! To what extent a four year old could have understood and absorbed the complex social and political turmoil? Maybe the child’s innocence must have been a protective factor. Especially in social situations involving his mother’s unwed status.

HAPPY CHILDHOOD
Mario, as a child must have had wonderful, healthy, happy and enriching experience in the first four years of his life. His mother must have made him felt welcome and given him a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. Those four years on the streets, when everything was working against him, when thousands and thousands of children died because of starvation and violence, the only thing that must have kept this child going must have been the resilience provided by the happy moments in the first four years of his life. Every time he was faced with something terrible, he must have focused on the happy moments, invoked his patronomus and some how managed to survive it.

HIS MOTHER
Mario’s mother must have been one strong lady. Holding a political stand even if it meant going to the concentration camp, surviving Dachau, looking for her son in every hospital in Italy with the hope of finding her son, amazing!

HIS TEACHER
Not but not the least, Mario’s teacher definitely demonstrated a sheer stroke of genius. This must have been one violent kid with deep survival instinct, with the kind of experience that no other third grader in his class would have had, not able to communicate and she did not give up on him. She got through to him by communicating through pictures.

Some interesting links:

About Dr.Capecchi
http://capecchi.genetics.utah.edu/capecchi.html
http://science.monstersandcritics.com/features/article_1363551.php/Profile_Mario_Capecchi_from_street_child_to_Nobel_Prize_winner

About resilience
I was doing a little research on the net and found that teaching children resilience is now becoming a ‘movement’!

http://www.voicesforchildren.ca/report-Nov2003-1.htm
http://resilnet.uiuc.edu/library/grotb95b.html

In class, we were discussing children with attention disorders and one of the students mentioned that a kid she knows is taking drugs for ADHD only on weekdays. He is ‘perfectly fine’ on the days he stays at home, he needs drugs to adjust at school. This information and the discussion that followed just sent a chill up my spine.

A child with ADHD is a child with ADHD, 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Why is that he needs drugs only on the days he goes to school? Obviously the drugs are for his ADHD like behavior caused by something else.

A 6-hour or an 8-hour school is simply not for all children. This is where ‘Goodness Of Fit’ comes in. A child cannot simply be branded as lazy or stupid or hyperactive based on his behavior. We also have to look at his temperament, family’s values, the learning system, his teacher’s patience and accommodating tendencies before we tag him. Looks like the present system of learning is not compatible with the child and he is drugged to fit in to the current school system. I am not judging the parents. The minute I became a mother, was the minute I stopped judging parents. Either they do not have the right amount of information or they deliberately took this decision because they desperately want their child to fit in!

Why this gets scary for me is because US is a country with options….lots and loads and tones of options. If the child does not want to go to a regular school, they can be home schooled or they can go to a different kind of school. But consider a country like India. What options do we have? At least I am not aware of any. We believe in route learning with a fierce emphasis on academics. Even if we have options we tend to pick a school that values academics more than anything. We derive our pride from the fact that our children can read much before the other kids. This mother I met at a Parent and Me class told me that she does not prefer a Montessori kind of teaching because, ‘They encourage the kid to do what the kid likes to do. What if my kid wants to paint and draw, when will she learn math and science? What good is it?’. First of all, that is not what goes on in a Montessori. They do teach math and science, but in a different way. Secondly what if the kid does not want to learn 1+5=6, in the traditional way, at the age of 3?

The lack of options is based on culture. Indian culture, for that matter most of the eastern cultures, is all about fitting in. While the western culture teaches independence, eastern culture teaches interdependence and conformity. The western culture encourages you to be unique and be proud of one’s achievements, the eastern cultures tells us to take no pride in our actions. So culturally we lack the ability to analyze a rebellious behavior and end up blaming it in the individual.

I know how hard it is when you don’t fit in. I spent my whole school life trying to fit in. I loved math and biology but sitting down and memorizing and spitting it out on paper in three hours is simply not my style. Boo talked about hating school, I can so empathize with her. I spent four years of college and three years in a software company making sincere attempts to fit in. All through college I kept telling myself that I am making my parents proud. The three years of work, I told myself that I can do it, I can do anything, only if I put my heart to it. Well, I was able to get things done, but I lacked initiative, I lacked imagination and I was not 100% myself. It kills me when I am not 100% myself. Do you know what a big toll that takes on a person’s confidence and self-image? You cannot give pep talk to yourself every single waking moment. Analyzing every single action and coming up with a reason is so draining.

The two things I commend myself are discontinuing my MS after the first semester and now pursuing what I like, of course, much to my parent’s displeasure. Don’t get them wrong, I had a happy childhood, but it could have been happier if I had studied something like home science/bio tech/bio chemistry.

Sometimes we parents tend to ignore what is best for the child because we want the child to fit in. No I take that back, parents do it because thee want to fit in. It takes a lot of guts to explain to friends, relatives and the whole world why you are doing something different with your child. When there is no goodness of fit, life can be tough.

Toddler, for the past 3 months or so has been ‘sit downing’ in the chair, ‘lie downing’ in the bed, ‘clean upping’ the mess she made, asking her appa ‘are you fasting?’ when he throws the ball fast and so on. That’s how she is using her ‘ing’s!

Hubby and myself have been enjoying these ‘ing’s because we thought that it is cute. Today I learnt that this is a crucial step in language development.

Almost all our kids at one point or another would have and must have used phrases like, ‘sheeps’, ‘childrens’, ‘mouses’, ‘I thinked’ etc. This means that the child is learning the grammar and is ‘overregularizing’ what she has learnt. The next step is to learn exceptions to the rules. When she learns the correct usage and makes perfect sentences, I will be back with a post about my little girl growing up and crying my heart out.

Ain’t this simply fascinating?!