Mixed Up Chameleon

This review was written for Saffron Tree.

I get excited every time I pick up a book by Eric Carle. The reason being, there is always a message, not just for the kids but for the adult as well.

This book is about a chameleon that goes to the zoo. He looks at the animals around him and wants to be like the other animals. When he looks at a giraffe he is awed by the graceful, long neck. Does he stop with that? No, he pines for a long, sleek neck like the giraffe has and his wish comes true! At the end the chameleon acquires not only a long giraffe-like neck but a huge white body like the polar bear, a pair wings and long feet like the flamingo, fins and gills like the fish, shell like a turtle, antlers like the deer, huge trunk like the elephant, the wit of a fox and flippers like the seal. At the end of all these transformations the chameleon realizes that he is the happiest being just himself. The sad mixed up chameleon wishes to be his normal self and lucky for him, his wish comes true!

What excites my three year old is the simple, bright colors in the book. Also she now knows that a chameleon eats insects and changes color to blend with the background. When I ask her, ‘If the chameleon sits on a leaf what color will he be?’ ‘Green’ she pipes enthusiastically.

The message for older kids and adults is ‘Be yourself and be happy with it.’ I am trying to introduce this message for my three year old in a simple form. Every time the chameleon undergoes a transformation, I ask her to point out what is different with the chameleon. When she does, I ask her, ‘Is the chameleon happy now?’. For this she replies ‘Noooo.’ At the end of the book, I always point out to smiling, back to its original self chameleon and ask her, ‘Is the chameleon happy now?’ and she answers ‘Yyyeeess.’ Then we both chorus, ‘You get what you get and be happy with what you get.’

I Don’t Want To Go To Bed
by Julie Sykes

Suggested age group: read alone ages 4-7, read together ages 0-4

This review was written for Saffron Tree.

Every night it is the same routine in our house. When I announce ‘Bed Time!’, my announcement is met with an instantaneous ‘NO’ from my daughter. Even if it is late and she is tired from the day’s activities, she always has immense inertia to get in to bed, just like the little tiger in this book.

Having read ‘Wait For Me Little Tiger’, my children are already familiar with the Little Tiger series. This plus the title really got my attention and I decided to borrow this book from the library.

The story is about a little tiger (tiger cub) who refuses to go to bed. One night mama tiger, out of sheer frustration, allows the little tiger to ‘stay up ALL night’. The overjoyed with the prospect of playing with his friends all night, the little tiger runs away in to the forest to find his friends. His first visit is to the lion cub. The little tiger is disappointed to find the lion cub nestled between his dad’s paws getting ready for bed. Daddy lion asks the little tiger ‘Why are you still up?’. The little tiger replies, ‘I don’t want to go to bed’ and runs to his next friend. He visits the little hippo, the little elephant and the little monkey only to find that all his friends are getting ready to go to bed. The little tiger realizes that all of his friends go to bed when it gets dark and it is no fun to be by himself that late in the night. To add to this, the little tiger thinks he has gotten himself lost in the forest. At this moment a bush baby comes to his rescue and escorts the little tiger home…..just in time for bed. The tired little tiger falls asleep safely tucked between mommy’s paws.

Both my children like the little tiger series. The elder one, because she empathizes with the little tiger. Through out the book she points to the little tiger and says, ‘This is me amma, this is me.’ Then she points to the mommy tiger and says, ‘This is you amma.’ The literature is simple, repetitive and very easy for my three-year-old to follow. All mommy animals and daddy animals ask the little tiger the same question, ‘Why are you still up?’ and it is met with the same defiant ‘But I don’t want to go to bed’ answer from the little tiger. Even my younger child who is only 18 months and has no clue as to what is going on in the book, loves this book. She identifies all the animals with a happy squeal.

From the adult point of view, I found the illustrations by Tim Warnes to be highly appealing. All the baby animals are cute and cuddly to look at. The pictures and the concept were appealing enough to make me forget the fact that tigers and bush babies do not co-exist! Instead of nit picking, I convinced myself that the author is imagining a better world without boundaries!

Other:
Author webpage: http://www.juliesykes.co.uk/littletiger.htm

Edited to add a new link (from Kiran’s blog)

We had a discussion in class about the ‘Sexualization of young children’, little girls in particular.

Well about the sexualization of young children….I don’t know where to start. Sexualization in the past used to mean gender typing/stereotyping the role of a woman/body image. But now the problem has moved far beyond this. To give a gist, it talks about how everything under the sun in today’s capitalist world, from clothing to toys to entertainment to movies to magazines, are portraying children as sex objects. It talks about the trend of the present days where the average age for a young girl wanting to start wearing thong underwear is seven. It talks about the dangerous trend where in the name of “cute”, today’s children are dressed in skimpy clothes which is leading to insanely high number incidents involving pedophile.

Sitting at home mulching over what we talked about in class, my mind was filled with nothing but questions. So folks please feel free to help me out.

Why does a seven-year-old child want to wear thong underwear with words ‘cute’ or ‘eye candy’ printed across it? Why does a 9 year old need a push-up bra? What exactly is she trying to push up? What ever is present is consistent with her age, then why push it up? What does a seven-year-old have in her chest or in her rear that she wants to flaunt? Do they do it out of free will/instinct? Do they understand the full impact of the message? Or the do they do it because they are getting noticed only if they give out such a message? If they are doing it for getting noticed, noticed by whom? By another child who is in second grade with her? Or they just want some eyes on them, does not matter if the eyes belong to a seven year old boy or a seventeen year old boy? There is nothing wrong in dressing for attention. But where do we draw the line? How do we tell the difference between positive attention and negative attention?

The professor told us that parents need to start making a stand in this issue. Okay, having said that, where does one start?

Clothing? Look at a young girl’s clothing department – do the parents have a choice?
I have seen t-shirts with phrases like Delicious, Tease, Hot Chick, Good Girls Do Bad things, Hottie…..??! People living in the country like US, where manpower is more expensive and it is cheaper to buy things out of a super market, where is the choice? Some of the clothes I see displayed in malls, have an elastic under the breast area, with a deep V neck. Why do children under ten need to wear clothes like this? Thongs – Is it really fun to walk around with a self imposed wedgie? What if the panty line shows through the pants? Every one knows every one wears underwear…right?!

Toys? Why does a 10 year old need a pole dancing kit?, that too with the wordings ‘unleash that sex kitten in you’. Barbies…..OMG, do not get me started with Barbies. Why does a toy for a three-year-old need to be so well endowed? As if one of this kind wasn’t enough, Barbies are now joined by the Bratz dolls wearing mini skirts/fishnet stockings/garters.

Stationary? Good news folks…. now play boy is selling stationary and school supply, with play boy logo to young children…What?? Why? An attempt to put the play boy logo in to young minds, so that when they grow up they are tuned towards playboy products? I am not a prude. I do not have anything against porn or people viewing porn. But that must be the choice of a mentally mature, stable adult. Seducing children by sending subliminal messages is sick.

Visual Media? I don’t even have to go in to this. By far this has been the widely accused, highly prevalent medium that sends out strong sexual messages. It is not just sexual messages, if you look at movies, there are messages that promote smoking, drinking and violence. I am not talking about the explicit messages in R-rated movies, I am talking about the hidden messages in PG-13 movies. Now, two adults making out in complete nudity is an explicit message. Versus, ‘boy visiting museum, trips on a nude statue, breaking the phallus, trying to stick the phallus back and the phallus keeps falling back’. The later scene might be passed off as comedy, but the message that is conveyed is more dangerous because it portrays sex/sexual image as ‘fun’.

Peers? Now my three-year-old want to wear stockings just like Sara. When she is 10, what do I do if she wants to wear a mini skirt just like Victoria? Peers are by far the most powerful influence on young mind and parents do not have much control over the friends a child chooses.

Adult figures? Who do I talk to? Who do I appeal to? Do I change my entire wardrobe with respect to what might impact my child? Do I ask my child’s preschool teacher not to wear a thong + low rise jeans or low cut blouses? Should schools be imposing dress codes for the teachers? If so, isn’t it interfering in personal freedom?

Magazines? Books? I have seen teen magazines with messages like, ‘Straighten your hair and loose ten pounds to get the man of your dreams’. Publishers can no longer get away with lame excuses like, ‘Oh we target these for 18 year olds’. Don’t extensive marketing and survey show these people that 18 year olds have moved on to reading Cosmo, Vogue kind of magazines and the average age of their readers is 10-12?

Just tell me where I must take a stand as a parent and I will do it. To me it seems that everything that is marketed to young children has a hidden message in it.

What makes this issue even more sensitive + dangerous is the level of understanding. For a teenager or a teenage mom, hung up on looks, such symbols are just ‘fun’. A teenager who can use her brains will argue, ‘Why must I be victimized just because I am a girl? I must have the freedom to dress up the way I want to. i can’t change my way for the sake of perverts’. To a newly married woman, it does not matter as it is not the area of her focus. To a new mom, halter tops, low cut jeans, belly showing clothes are just cute. For a mother with a daughter who is at the verge of puberty it is scary. If you are a mother to male children, you will not realize this till your boys are around 10 years old, getting visual stimulation from girls around them. Based on this, I am sure some of you readers may fail to ‘get’ what I am ranting about. Some of you might think I am over reacting and some of you might empathize with me.

Parents can take a stand – screening friends, constant talking – not just to your kid but also to your kid’s friends, careful monitoring without crossing boundaries, refusing to buy certain types of clothing/music/videos/magazines/books, screening TV…..but there is only so muchone can do.

Additional Reading For Your Interest:

http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=NDNkODc3NWJkNDNmMTQ0YmFmZjI3MTJiMmU4ZDZjNzQ=

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/16/AR2007021602263_pf.html

http://www.livemint.com/2007/12/01001537/In-a-Barbie-world.html

http://www.apa.org/pi/wpo/sexualization.html

Technorati Tags: top

This post has been sitting in my documents folder for 10 days now. Every day I would read it, refine it, add some, delete some, just linger around dwelling in the nostlagia. Shobana’s post and the way she has beautifully described her college days(especially the bit about being ready to laugh) really gave me that nudge to hit publish.

Muzhugadha ship-e friendship-a……..This song is from tamil movie Kadhal Desam(KD). KD was released a year before I graduated from college. The orchestra sang this song in our cultural program in the final year of college. We final year students turned off the auditorium lights, waved lighted candles and got in to big trouble with our professors, inspite of getting prior permission from our principle and professor in charge of cultural program.

Any ways, coming back to the title of the post, it means friendship is the only ship that does not sink. Sounds cheesy right?! We (self and my three friends) heard enough of this song in college, but never cared much for this song. But this is what popped in my head when I was thinking of a title for this post. I kind of surprised myself!

At college, I had three other best buddies. Taking the first alphabet from our names, we were called the ‘STAR’ group. We were roommates. We were classmates. We were famous. Every one at college knew about us. We literally did E.V.E.R.Y thing together. We were and still are the fantastic four. When ever I run in to people from my old college, they enquire about my other friends and when I give them a detailed update I detect a mild surprise that seems to say, ‘Still tight after all these years?!’.

The best way to describe us to make comparison with The Golden Girls. Yaada Yaada introduced me to the reruns of this sitcom. (Yes, when every one is comparing them selves to the women from Sex and the City, I am making comparisons with the old women from Golden Girls. Not that we are THAT old, but this comparison feels more real.)

T is Dorothy. The tallest of the lot at 5 foot six inches. The rest of us are barely five feet. The final year hostel was far away and the four of us got couple of cycles to commute from our department to our hostel rooms. At that time T did not know how to ride a cycle. So she would sit at the back seat. I remember inspite of sitting at the elevated front seat, our heads being at the same level! Soon we shortys taught T to ride the cycle. The tall girl zig zagging weaving random patterns on the tree lined, usually empty road, screaming her head off as if she was riding a roller coaster and the three tiny tots running behind her yelling at her to steady herself. It was quite a scene. T is the ever smiling, sharp, career minded, always has time to hear my rant and say couple of nice words, most-complicated-and-mysterious-with-the-person-she-holds-the-dearest-to-her-heart kind of girl. She is a perfect scorpion, deadly with her stings, forgives but never forgets. I have known her for 14 years now, but when I sit down to write about her, it feels as if I know so little of her. Sounds quite complicated right?! Yep, that what she is.

R, is the sweet, mild natured Rose. Ha! Even their names start with the same alphabet. Now this one is very simple. Not simple as in simpleton. But she is simple as in unassuming, hard working, confident, down to earth, patient and innocent. Just like Rose she is also from a small town. Oh, her storytelling skills deserve a special mention. She narrated Bazzigar story to a classmate, for over a period of three days! This three-day frame by frame, scene by scene narration after starting with the opening line, ‘Sharukh Khan is the villan. He is the killer.’ She is an only child, just like me. But has always been responsible, unlike me. She has always been (and still is) the best daughter parents can ask for. Now she is the best wife on dreams about and a patient mother of two adorable kids. What I do with great commotion, ado and analysis, she manages to accomplish with no big fuss.

S aka Yaadayaada is Sophia. Always making off color jokes and very comfortable about it, she is the most out spoken of the group. She is also from a small town but one can never tell. She would put any city bred, uppity, ‘convent girl’ to shame with her talking skills and diplomacy. I still don’t know why but she picked me as a friend. It took me a while to get in to the right frame of mind and get comfortable with her as a friend but once that happened there was no turning back. Now, we live 20 minutes away from each other and reconnect every few days. If I sneeze she knows about it and if she coughs, I hear it. No matter how busy or hectic her life is, she always finds time for the three of us and updates us as to what is happening. We do pull her leg and call her SBC (S Broadcasting Service), but we all thoroughly enjoy the updates. Today Chula said, ‘Hey,we are going to see S aunty and V uncle. My daddy’s name is appa. My amma’s name is amma and my mommy’s name is S aunty.’ If that doesn’t explain how close we are, I don’t know what else does.

Your’s truly is Blanche. Blanche is stylish, sophisticated and has the most-male admirers. I ‘think’ (therefore) I am sophisticated and want to be stylish (but has never managed to accomplish it) and about the male admirers may be in the past but in the present….duh .

The four of us have had really great adventures at college. Yaadaa Yaadaa and self are perfect alpha males – big talk and lot of bossing over. The two of us have convinced T and R in to doing a lot of stupid things. In the third year, for a variety bit we decided to do a skit based on the national award-winning movie ‘Meendum Oru Kadhal Kathai’. The movie features Radhika(Sachu) and Prathap(Gappi) as the lead. Gappi and Sachu are mentally unwell. They have the metal maturity of a five-year-old. They meet in the hospital and some how Sachu ends up pregnant. Coming back to the point, we made T play Gappi and R play Sachu, made them repeat the ‘Ulagam urundai, laddoo urundai. Ulagathai Andavan seithar, laddoo-I amma seithar’(Meaning: The world is round just like Ladoo. God created the world and amma made the ladoo) dialogue in front of the whole damn college and our profs…..OMG, what were these two girls thinking?! For the rest of their days in college they were ridiculed like there was no tommorrow.

Then there was this one particular time that we decided to form a basketball team. The annual sports competitions were coming up and we didn’t want the lack of a basket ball team to prevent us from participating. So three days before the match we formed a team. As usual, Yaadaa Yaadaa and self made T and R give their names for the team. They practiced and we cheered. On the D-day, the game was over in 12 minutes. No prizes for guess who lost! Some of the highlights were the girls from our team running with the ball in their hands all across the floor only to deposit the ball in to the opposite team’s basket, playing tug of war and snatching the ball from a player from the other team, playing well after the referee had blown his whistle signaling the end of the game and the referee squatting on the floor in the middle of the game holding his heads with both his hands and vigorously shaking his head (can’t blame him. He was a year senior to us, a really good basket ball player and has NEVER seen anything like
THIS in his life before). We lost with a ridiculous score like ‘a zillion’-0 or something like that!

If we are still close, at least half the credit goes to our husbands. They understand how important it is for us to keep in touch and make the necessary adjustments. They tolerate the hour long phone calls, the numerous dinner and lunch plans we come up with without checking with our spouses, are okay with the fact that what ever brews at home, no matter how private, the others know about it.

Okay why all this sudden burst of nostalgia? R was here last week and stayed with us(Yaada Yaada and self) for 10 days. Our children played together. We cooked together, chatting like there was no tomorrow and had tons of fun. Oh and the giggles, we did a lot of that…for no reason!

And this picture Boo sent on a e-card wishing me on my birthday, couple of years back…..

Just puts a smile on my lips and takes me 14 years back every time I see it. I treasure it. Thanks Boo. She always knows the right things to send/tell/talk!

By observing Chula and Mieja, I have a rough humor development chart.

Kumbal-oda Govinda (Meaning: following the crowd)– Sometime around 20 – 22 months, Chula used to watch Barney and laugh when she hears or sees other children laughing. It would be a verbal joke, and she would still laugh. It was interesting to observe her do this because I was curious what provoked her to laugh. Questioning her did not bring me any clarity because she did not understand what I was talking about. So I concluded that she laughed just to be a part of whatever was going on. It also reminded me of my childhood. Around 6-7 years I used to watch ‘The Lucy Show’ in television. With the American accent and all, I had no idea what they were talking about, but I would still laugh and my parents used to pull my legs. My father would ask me to explain the joke with a twinkle in his eyes and I would draw a blank . My mom also observed Chula laughing for Barney and remarked, ‘Just like you did…’

This got me quite interested in (1) What is sense of humor? (2) How does sense of humor develop in children? Are children born with it or do they acquire it? (3) What is the connection between intelligence and sense of humor? (4) Can it be conditioned? If so what can a parent do to encourage the child’s sense of humor? (5) Is there a universal pattern in the development of humor in children? (6) How does humor help a child?

I did a bit of research about this. People like Aristotle and Darwin did quite a bit of research and ended up just touching the tip of the iceberg. So I am definitely not doing full justice to this topic.

In simple words, humor is the ability to appreciate the unexpected.

Is humor nature or nurture? My understanding is that humor is acquired. Because, infants simply do not have the verbal and cognitive ability to process jokes. The baby laughing when tickled is just a response to physical stimulation. As they grow a bit, they see the adults laughing and mimic them. Then they see they can please the adults by laughing and they laugh. Then they realize that some thing falling down and the mother making a funny ‘oopsie-doopsie’ or a parent making a silly face is an unexpected action and they laugh in response to that. Humor development is strongly associated with the brain’s ability to process and support the processed information.

We do not see animals laughing. Nope I stand corrected, apparently it is proven that even rats ‘laugh’ when their ribs are tickled! But that is just a response to a physical stimulation. What I menat is animals do not perceive jokes and respond to that with laughter. Well, I am not counting chimps, they do seem to have a concept of humor, mostly slapstick. So sense of humor must be a sign of intelligence right? Looks like we human beings come with the biological capacity to laugh, make jokes and understand jokes. Our brains are ‘wired to take pleasure from humor and laughter’. There are three different zones in the brain, each with the synaptic information to process different kinds of jokes (semantic jokes, phonological jokes, and slapstick jokes). By correlating this information with the study (if I may call it so!!) of my daughters, I conclude that the zone for slapstick develops earlier. For the other kind of jokes the brain has to be mature enough to grasp the humor. So is a child shows the ability to understand a phonological joke or a semantic joke before she is expected to, it is logical to assume that her brain is quite mature for her age. Also to see through the current disaster, pick the sliver lining and make a joke about it requires complicated brainwork. So I am convinced that humor is definitely a sign of intelligence.

Yes, humor can be conditioned. Parents with good sense of humor have children with good sense of humor. The more humorous situations a baby is exposed to, the better his sense of humor.
At the risk of sounding too Baby center-ish here are some practical tips

A much as I would like to take credit for this humor development chart for children, it is NOT MINE. I found this section on the web. But I misplaced the link and I am not able to trace it. If some one finds this link, I will be happy to give credit to author.
**Begin quote
Here are the general stages of development for what makes children laugh. Keep in mind, though, that it’s impossible to be specific about each child’s development, and stages typically overlap.

6-12 months: Takes delight in caregiver’s unexpected actions. Example: peekaboo.
12 to 15 months: Graduates from reacting to something funny to initiating it. Example: putting a cup on Daddy’s head and calling it a hat.
2 years: Makes “mistakes” to show mastery of a subject. Example: You ask her to show you her nose, she points to her knees.
3 years: Distorts known features of words, ideas, and objects. Example: asking for a dirt muffin and worm cheese; slapstick and potty humor.
4 to 5: The pre-riddle stage, when they have the form but not the content.
Example: “Why does the chicken cross the road?” “To go to bed.”
6 to 7: Riddles and knock-knock jokes.
End quote**

This making mistakes to show mastery of a subject is how rubber duckie and donut originated! So Chula, Mieja can’t wait to hear your knock-knock jokes!

Sense of humor helps children the same way it helps an adult. Every one loves, accepts and are friends with a person with a good sense of humor. Apart from the social aspect, humor helps people get through the dull, boring, hard, hectic, painful, lousy, anxious, uncomfortable, dark phases of life. Jokes, especially phonological and semantic ones, will help cildren understand the subtility in language. Personally I developed my tamil by reading jokes from Ananda Vikatan/Daily Tandhi. Of course, all of us have heard about the bit laughter + endorphins = healthy body/life/mind.

Some more interesting information:
Coming back to one of my all time favorite topics, gender differences, sense of humor starts off the same in children of both sexes. Around 6 years or so, owing to the differences in brain development and the way the information is processed, there are certain things that are more appealing to boys than girls and vice versa. Girls like verbal humor, boys like physical, slapstick and off color jokes! Since society accepts boys making physical jokes, better than girls making physical jokes, the pattern gets set.

Resources:

http://www.boston.com/yourlife/family/articles/2005/08/04/laughing_now_might_help_your_children_to_be_funny_later/

(If the full link is not displayed, click here to read the article.)

http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/growth/learning/child_humor.html

http://www.wireheading.com/intracran/funbrain.html

http://www.scholastic.com/earlylearner/age3/learning/qc_humor.htm

http://www.sesameworkshop.org/parents/advice/article.php?contentId=48260

Technorati Tags: humor development, humor development chart, humor development in children, humor development milestones, is sense of humor acquired?, is sense of humor nature or nurture?, sense of humor and language development

I have always had a love hate relationship with IKEA. I fall in love with their products the minute I set my eyes on them in the catalogue. But I lack the eye for visualizing how the product will look in my home. Most of time, what I buy does not gel well with the things I have at home, so I end up hating it. There are plans to throw out everything I have and order the whole room…..but not going to happen-huh?

A trip to IKEA is like a one day thingy and on the average I make only one visit a year, that too mostly to take parents and in-laws for their customary before-they-leave-to-India-shopping.

Now, my children have the I-hate-IKEA gene directly inherited from their father. The first time I took Chula, she was around 4.5 months old. I forgot to take extra feeding bottles and ran out of water for her formula. I leave it up to you to visualize what would have ensued. During this particular tip, I was in the living room display, when the then 40 week pregnant Boo called from Swiss, seeking my expert(?) medical(??) opinion if she must go to the hospital, if it was time…. Boo, every time I walk by that corner, the display is different, but it is always Ashu corner for me!

The second time I went Mieja was around 3 months, Chula was 20 months. Chula felt claustrophobic the minute we stepped in to the elevator. She started screaming, took a short break from screaming when she was in the ball pit, promptly resumed her screaming the minute we took her out.

This time I went with a dear friend. She had a 3 year old and a 5 month old under her wing and I had Chula and Mieja with me. At any given point of time, we had at least three screaming children in our hands! Half the time we adults were running from the showroom-restroom-parking lot in frenzy.

Some interesting things I noticed with the kids during this trip.

When Chula was getting antsy (may be she thought we were in some one’s home, but it didn’t look like a home…I don’t know), I told her, ‘Kannamma, just for a little while. Amma and aunty want to shop’. She enthusiastically chirped in, ‘We are shooping ammmmmma? Okay.’ From then on, anything she set her eyes on, she piled in to my shopping cart and told me, ‘Shopping amma. I am shopping.’

Mieja would cry and the minute she sees a stuffed toy, she would calm down. She would hug her toy with all her strength and bury the toy in the crook of her neck and give a wide smile. The second she sees a new stuffed toy, she would throw the one she is holding, ask for the new one and proceed to hug the new toy.

Chula was playing on the slide and there was a 4-5 year old boy monopolizing the slide. He was lying down on his stomach, kicking the children behind him and screaming at the kids at the foot of the slide. Chula was right behind him. At some point, she imitated me, same tone, same calmness in voice that means business, the same way I make eye contact and said to the boy, ‘Honeeei you need to move. You are blocking the way.’ The boy starred at her for a few seconds and said, ‘I have sharp teeth. Don’t come near me.’ But he did move away

Okay, this is what happens if you all decide to twist my arm in to writing a new post! Any more third degree treatment, I have a post about a trip to the market coming right up!

Talking in Tamil
Chula: Mom, Dad, look at that car.
Me: Chula, dhayavu seidhu Tamil-le pesen. (Meaning: Please talk in Tamil)
Chula: Amaa, Appa, look at that car.

Drawing
She makes me draw hippo, giraffe, antelope, cockatoo…etc. I consider my self an artist and I have a few Tanjore paintings under my belt, but come on, all these on a doodle board? How can I show difference between antelope and gazelle on a doodle board.
(Chula looks at my drawing and shakes her head disapprovingly.)
Chula: Ammmmaaaa, I said giraffe.
Me: Chuuuuula, this is a giraffe.
Chula: Are you sure?

Barney
She asks me to put Barney and the times I oblige, I like to limit it to one episode. Even if it is a back to back video recording I stop after one episode. All this assuming that she does not know the difference between telecast and recording.
(Me switching on Barney)
Me: Chula, remember one Barney, okay?
Chula(pointing to VCR): Amma, you put this, this has 1,2,3,4 Barney.

DirectionsHer sense of directionis improving! If I turn right from our street, she asks me, ‘Amma, kovil(Meaning: temple)’. If I turn left sh asks, ‘Amma Target?’. So if I say that we are going to target and make an U-turn for a quick stop at the library she starts water works and wails, ‘Amma, no go home. Go only Target.’

My hood
While driving I pointed out to the buildings around our house and told the kids, ‘See, this is a fire station, this is a post office, this is a library, this is Target, this is bus stop. We have all these in our neighborhood. We also have parks, hospitals and temple in our neighborhood.’ I happened to be in the intersection in front of the library at that time. So every time we drive by the library, she screams at the top of her voice, ‘Amma, look this is my neibohud’.

Every thing has a name
She plays with the closet door in our bedroom and the sliding door just hangs from the railings on top. Hooks that are used to hang the door on the railing are kind of tricky. They come of easily and the doors are heavy. So every time she goes close, I warn her, ‘Kannamma, that is dangerous. No’. The other day, she was playing with the night bulb and I told her ‘Kannamma, that is dangerous. No’. She said, ‘No Amma. (Pointing to closet door) This is dangerous’. So we have a closet door called dangerous!

Okay and Too
She has picked up Okay from me. If I ask her to do something she says, ‘Amma, I chew, chew swallow bread and then drink waadel(water). Okay?’ Every sentence ends with ‘okay’ or ‘too’. ‘I go to market too. S aunty come to my house too.’

Rubber duckie and donut
This is what she calls her right and left butt cheeks repectively! Ha! Ha! Ha!. She was pointing to her nose and was calling it her head and goofing around. When she pointed to her ear, I teasingly said, ‘Yeah, that is a donut’, she said, ‘No amma. (Pointing to bottom) This is my donut and this is rubber duckie. Okay?’

Helping me socialize
When I come to pick her up from school, she screams to all the other kids in the sand pit, ‘My mammy come. My mammy come. Brendan this is MY mammy, Reese this is MY mammy, Victolila(Victoria) this is MY mammy, Skylar this is MY mammy….’ If the kids are busy playing, she walks to them, taps them on their shoulder says, ‘Excuussee mee, I said this is my mammy. My mammy come. I go home with baby sister. Her name is Mieja.’ Then she come to me and says, ‘Mammy say bye bye to babies’. I can’t say a common bye, I have to call each kid by name and say bye, if they are busy playing, she expects me to walk to them, say excuse me (this is very important, she is very particular about my manners) and say bye. Also I have to say, ‘Bye Bye, Oreo, I love you.’, to the school’s pet rabbit.

One of those days, last week I swung from 1 to 0. There I was sitting at school and discussing in class, voicing my opinion, getting my papers back, beaming over the fact that the professor put her hands on my shoulders and said, ‘I am so happy that you are in this class. You have some great ideas. I loved your papers. Can I have a copy of it for reference and can I use it for my other classes?’. Naturally, I was in cloud nine. I come home, pick up the kids and look at them from this huge self created pedestal only to fall face down, break my nose and end up crying all curled up in fetal position.

None other than the great Mieja is capable of waving this kind of magic. Well, she screams. This has been going on for quite some time now. Screaming is how she communicates and I have to interpret the scream in to – ‘I want water’, ‘I want water in pink cup’, ‘I want the white straw also, don’t give me just the cup’, ‘My sister is touching me’, ‘My sister is looking at me’, ‘My sister is looking at that toy that I might want to play few hours from now’……etc. There is no pointing, no action, just a plain, high pitched screams. I have to interpret what the scream means, which is purely trial and error, and by the time I get an idea of what she wants, she screams again to let me know that ‘What took you soooo long dud? Now I don’t want it any more’. It is not easy.

Initially the screams bothered me, but I thought it was funny. When the day care provider told me that Mieja screamed so much that the children at day care complained that it was too noisy to sleep and didn’t sleep – thought it was kind of cute.

Then I was concerned but I was patient. If, I guessed that she is screaming for water, I kneel next to her with a cup of water, hand it to her and tell her, ‘Amma thanni venum, please’ (meaning: Amma can I have some water please). So that she will learn to communicate using words. Has absolutely no effect on her. Some times made me wonder if her hearing and speech is in order. Well the kid passed the new born hearing screening, she does respond to her name, when some one standing 25 feet away from her speak the word Barney she immediately points to the TV, when I say A-M-M-A, she repeats it. So she can hear (**Sigh of relief**) and can talk (**double sigh of relief**).

Last week, was bad as in B.A.D. From 4.00PM to 7.30PM it was screaming every 45 seconds. At some point of time, she closed both her ears with both her hands and was screaming as if she has a headache hearing her own screams. I just couldn’t take it. I tried distracting. She didn’t want to read books, she didn’t want to be left alone, she didn’t want to be with us, she didn’t want to be held, she didn’t want to dance, she didn’t want to listen to her favorite songs, she didn’t even want to watch TV. And with another child to tend to there is only so much I can do.

Chula was carefully absorbing all this like a sponge and an hour in to this madness, started screaming to get attention. A one minute lecture about using words and not succumbing to peer pressure did the trick and thankfully she stopped screaming. But she was very keenly observing my reaction to the screams and started imitating me – she did the grinding the teeth, rubbing the fore head with both the hands, closed her eyes and shook her head disapprovingly, went to her sister and said ‘N.O…S.C.R.E.A.M.I.N.G…. I.T…. I.S… N.O.T….. F.U.N.N.Y’ enunciating every syllable very clearly. She did all my routines better than me myself. Then she came to me and asked me with a curious expression, ‘Well, amma, is Mieja going to get a time out?’. I didn’t give Mieja a time out although I seriously considered hitting her with an intention to cause her pain and fear.

I was going mad. As with any good mother the bad guilt took over – Is she in pain? Is she desperately trying to tell me something and I am so dense and not getting it? What was I doing wrong? May be I must have read to her more. May be I must have talked to her more. May be I must not have had her in the first place because I was clearly not doing justice to both my children. May be I must have had some one from India staying with me because I don’t seem to be doing so well on my own. What kind of mother was I even to think of hitting her with the intention of hurting her?

In the middle of all this mess, dinner time arrived. After an hour I was sitting with a plate half full. Only because she spit the other half on my face. Then I did something I have never done with Chula and something I would have never done normally. I changed her diaper and put the child down in her crib without getting some food in to her. People who know me know that me giving up on the children’s food is a BIG thing for me. Thankfully she willing curled up in her crib. I spoke to her for a while about how this nonstop screaming is affecting and upsetting me. She has to use words or at least point to things. I had tears streaming from eyes as I was talking to her. I don’t know if she understood but was at least calm and made eye contact. Then she squeezed her left hand through the crib railings and put her palm on my teary cheek, with her right thumb safely tucked in to her mouth.

One week update: She is trying to communicate.
Cuukie – Thokki(Lift me)
Wayye – water
Awwa – Agua(Water in Spanish)
Affane – Elephant
Taakkie – Doggie, sometimes for any animal or bird.
Tukiee – Duckie
Haanswish – What’s this? (Please don’t ask me the connection. She points to pictures and says haanswish. Even now it is a wild guess that haanswish translates to What’s this.)
Peen – Plane
Atthhi – nethi(Means forehead in tamil)
Aishhhee – icecream
Oon – Moon
Mine – This was probably the first word in her vocabulary. Her day care provider says that, she picks up a random toy, walks to every child in her day care, thrusts this toy in to their face with a fierce ‘MINE’.

Chula observed that I am enunciating words to Mieja and is trying to do the same. The kids were sitting at the dining table, I was getting their dinners ready. Mieja pointed to something and said ‘haanswish’, before I could respond, Chula chimed in enunciating the words ‘B A L L’, ‘C L O W N’…etc and read the whole book to Mieja!

She is trying to repeat what ever I am telling her.
Me(Pointing to stop sign): Kannamma, that is a stop sign. That’s why we are stopping.
Mieja: Saap shaish

Sometimes Mieja screams and then puts her right index finger in to her mouth and says ‘Shhh-shhh-shhh’.

Hope the streak continues.

Day: Oct 15 2007

Two little butterflies sitting in the Sun,
One flew away and then there was one,
Butterfly butterfly happy all day
Butterfly butterfly fly fly away

What is this song?
This is a song from Barney. This was the song that I was mentally singing as I was driving Chula to the first day of her S.C.H.O.O.L. Yes, she is officially now in Pre-K.

What was playing in the car?
The song Vaadi Vaadi Vaadi from tamil movie Sachin. Chula and Mieja like the ‘dabbanguthu’. I am okay with it because I think the lyrics are okay and I must admit this song has taken our houshold by storm! If you make an unannounced trip to our home any time between 5PM-6PM, you will hear this song blaring from the laptop and the crazy mom and the two kids dancing to this song.

What was she wearing?
Her new blue denim capri from, flower embroidery over the right thigh. Pink turtle neck shirt. Purple fleece jacket. White sneakers. Two adorable pony tails.

What was she most excited about?
Her lunch bag. Shocking pink in color. She was holding on to it and was giggling every time she touched it. I think the lunch box was her primary incentive to go to ‘Montessoly school’.

What did she eat for breakfast?
Puffins cereal with milk.

What was she going to eat for lunch?
Grilled cheese sandwich – her favorite, watermelon – her absolute fav, carrots – hmmmm we are working to get it in the fav list.

All the above she requested for lunch when I was talking to her the previous day about school, the new routine, new lunch routine etc.

End of the day, only water melon was polished off, the rest was shoved in to her mouth in the parking lot.

Where is she schooling? Why this school?
A wonderful Montessori school close to home. Its been around for 15 years. I really liked it.

A friend asked me, ‘So did you analyze the pros and cons of all the schools in the Bay Area and finally picked the best of the best?’. I did analyze (and at times over analyze) lots of schools and listed pros and cons, but the intention was not to pick the best of the best. I toured this particular montessori and loved it, kind of love at first sight. I thought that my kids will thrive in this kind of environment. So listing the pros and cons of other schools was more for justifying my decision to hubby and myself.

Apart from the usual Montessori concepts I have seen implemented in other Montessori schools, they have some practical concepts like
‘Peace Table’ – if kids have an argument, a teacher takes them to a corner and
teaches them how to talk it out.
The kids are taught to be responsible for the environment. The school itself does not use diapers or any disposable things. So if you bring a child in with a diaper, the diaper is substituted with a cloth nappy by the teacher at the class room entrance.
Every kid is assigned a chore – clean up outdoor toys area, mediating sand box disputes, feeding the school pet etc.
Not to waste resources – They start with food. Be it the class snack or the lunch the kids bring, the kids are taught how to respect the food that is put on their table. (This is one of our families values. So this alone was enough to impress me.)

I also saw these concepts working! When I was touring the school, it was snack time. This little three year old boy, picked up his place mat, picked up a banana and before slicing it for his snack, went around asking all his classmates, ‘This is a big banana. I can’t finish it all. I don’t want to waste the rest. Will you share half a banana with me?’. And it was not an isolated incident. I saw a little girl asking if some one would share a slice of bread with her. I mentally gave these little kids a huge hug. I took Chula for a school visit, she was playing in the sand box and another child snatched the toy shovel from her hands. Chula started crying, would not accept any but a ‘YELLOW’ shovel. A little girl came to her and said, ‘Don’t be upset. You can talk to B and tell him not to snatch. If you want only a yellow shovel, you can have mine. I am more or less done with it.’ The she went to B and said, ‘That is not a nice thing, she new here and you can’t upset her on her first day.’ I have seen these little warriors armed with appropriate weapons cleaning/feeding/organizing the toys/instructing other kids to leave their shoes in an order…etc.

How is Chula taking to school?
I expected her to be head over heels excited on the day of the visit. Kind of hesitant on the first week, adamant that she hates the new place and wants to go back to the old place in the second week and settle down in the third week. Wham, bham, smack on target so far. End of week one and she now says, ‘I no want to go to Montessoly school. I only want M(her day care provider) school. Amma, you send Mieja to Montessoly with Appa’.

The day before first day of school.
Chula and self sat down and packed the things she needs to take to school. I let her pick out what clothes, blankets she wants to keep in her cubby at school. Also showed her her new lunch bag, lunch box, nap time pillow. She kept asking, ‘All this for meeee? Oh, thanq thanq thanq Amma. I like pretty new pink shoes’.

I felt like crying. There was this huge lump in my throat. I kept visualizing this child to go to a new environment and applying all she learnt about survival in her day care to the new school. She is going to make new bonds and meet new people. Her brain is going to be working hard in writing and rewriting new schemas. When put in to words all this sounded like a lot of work and more like an adult thing. But my barely three year old is going to do this! Made me very proud! A mother thingy.

The one thing that was more difficult than picking out the school itself
Finding school accessories. All I wanted was a cutsey kiddie lunch bag, nice fun back pack, pillow and a blanket. Why does every single kids product has to have a commercial cartoon character on it? It was ‘Jojo’ the elephant, ‘Thomas’ the train engine, ‘Barbie’ goes to school, ‘Dora’ the explorer, ‘Hello Kitty’, ‘Disney’ princesses. Phlueese, something without a ‘name’. I had no choice in the one store I went and not much time to raid lots of stores. So I picked out a regular adult throw pillow, plain fleece blanket, plastic containers for food and plain rubbermaid sipper water bottle. I scratched the back pack idea and decided to recycle an lunch bag that was lying around.

What I found most disturbing?
I was touring a school and was asking if they have regular monthly visits – from firemen, cops, music presentations etc to stimulate the child and she said, ‘No. We try to limit that kind of stimulation. Long time back, homes gave children stability and schools provided the stimulation and excitement. But in present days with the busy working schedule of parents, single parent family life style and many many more factors, schools provide the children the stability and familiarity they need. So we have only two presentations a year.’ Sadly true.

Continued from Resilience In Children.

Children of today need to learn to be resilient. Why? Not because there is going to be a war tomorrow and the child’s survival depends on how resilient he/she is.

In general the world is becoming more and more competitive. Is it just me or does every one notice that more and more children are getting insanely good scores…I don’t know, something like 295.7/300 and still miss out on their dream college? Is it just me or does every one notice that the kids who come to singing competitions (the Indian equivalent of American idol) are getting younger and younger? The other day at my friend’s palace, in SUN TV I saw this 9 year old girl competing with a bunch of other girls (who were also young but at least their ages were in two digits) and the judges pronounced the verdict, ‘Voice needs to mature’. This really made me think. Were the parents and the music teacher pushy or did they really believe that the child could do it? Should the judge appreciate the attitude of this 9 year old child and appreciate her for that or should be open about the comments? What about Kutraleeshwaran? He was simply one of ‘the best’ in long distance swimming. But had to give it up because of lack of sponsorships. There is no dearth in the number of people sponsoring sports persons, but unfortunately in India, if you are a cricket player in the Indian team you make it otherwise, ‘Sorry pal, tough luck’. Oh, don’t forget the spelling bees, geography bees, math olympiads (and what nots). Initially what started out as a fun way to inspire children has now been turned in to an ugly circus show, thanks to sponsors, TV coverage etc.

Coming to the point, children are now in positions where they face far more rejections, than we did as children, at a much early age. So they need to be resilient to handle life and to realize that life is much more than being recognized by ‘the whole wide world’.

To some children resilience comes naturally. Those children who are independent, make friends easily, take leadership roles, persistent at a task without showing frustration can be called resilient. This does not mean that a slow to warm up child is going to have a tough time, because resilience can be conditioned through the child’s experiences and environment.

Model to build resilience

Unconditional love, consistent care, recognize the need for independence, be there for the child, expose the child to other loving people are some of the things we already do and it greatly contributes to increase resilience in children. But I like the way it is broken down in to three categories, makes it simpler:
(Source: http://resilnet.uiuc.edu/library/grotb95b.html#chapter1)

I HAVE
* People around me I trust and who love me, no matter what
* People who set limits for me so I know when to stop before there is danger or trouble
* People who show me how to do things right by the way they do things
* People who want me to learn to do things on my own
* People who help me when I am sick, in danger or need to learn

I AM
* A person people can like and love
* Glad to do nice things for others and show my concern
* Respectful of myself and others
* Willing to be responsible for what I do
* Sure things will be all right

I CAN
* Talk to others about things that frighten me or bother me
* Find ways to solve problems that I face
* Control myself when I feel like doing something not right or dangerous
* Figure out when it is a good time to talk to someone or to take action
* Find someone to help me when I need it

What can parents do? Practical tips.

* Help your child form trust bonds outside their home turf. If there is a good friend or relative who is willing to baby sit your child or take her to the park, do not hesitate and worry yourself with questions like ‘What if my child cries’, ‘Am I troubling this friend?’, ‘Is it really necessary?’.

* Introduce negative events in a positive light. Refer to this post by Mnamma. She has done a wonderful job of introducing death to M and N in a positive light. This is called positive cognitive processing. It teaches them there are some things that cannot be changed, redone. It teaches them sometimes, certain things like death happens, it is the work of nature, there is no one to be blamed for this. It helps them to accept the negative things and see the positive in the negative.

* No matter how little your child is, give her some safe work, that she/he can do by her/himself. In our house, Chula and Mieja help me unload the dishwasher (after I have removed sharp cutlery and glass objects, the dishwasher is all theirs). When Chula was 16 months she used to help me transfer clothes from washer to the dryer (I was in my third trimester and was finding it difficult to squat down in the miniscule space and transfer clothes to the dryer, so it worked great!). If they spill water, I give them a rag cloth and they clean up the water mess (of course, I have to put the finishing touch, but it gives them gratification that they have accomplished something, teaches them to take responsibility for their actions and last but not the least gives me a sense of ‘getting back’ to them!)

* Teach them it is okay to ask for help. Teach them to give their 100% in what they are doing but also teach them that giving 100% is not the same as doing a huge chunk of work all by yourself and suffer.

* Teach them your family’s values. Tell them that as parents you have high expectations on them, but also make them (and yourself) understand that expectations are not a list of to do things for the child. Expectations are just what a parent thinks a child can accomplish, it is a goal for both the parent and the child to achieve as a team. Tell them clearly that you, as a parent, will give as much support and guidance as the child wants/needs to meet the expectations.

* Last but not the least FAITH-RELIGION-SPIRITUALITY. I know some of us haven’t sorted out how to introduce religion to children. Personally I feel it is easier to introduce my own path inclusive of all its traditions and ways of doing things and festivities/celebrations to my children. But if you are not a believer yourself, make them aware that there is a higher power and give them a way to express their spiritual needs. Spirituality and religion are important for resilience. It helps in times of crisis and stress. It also provides coherence, faith, purpose, stability, and a positive attitude.